


Slam On The Brake

by nameless_wanderer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Post-Canon, Road Trips, Slow Burn, idk ill add more tags later, its gonna get pretty gay later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-03-05 13:44:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13389051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_wanderer/pseuds/nameless_wanderer
Summary: Jared Kleinman runs into Evan Hansen a year and a half after graduation halfway across the country. He's heading home for winter break, and Evan needs a ride. Sounds like a road trip for these two.~~~Kleinsen slow burn. Evan and Jared go on a road tripand things get gay.





	1. The Day Before

Jared enjoyed walking in the dusting of snow. Yeah, it was cold as fuck but as long as you wore layers it was fine. It gave a nice atmosphere to the outdoor shopping center he was walking around. He had just finished his last finals and he felt he deserved to enjoy the shopping center, maybe buy a little gift for himself. But although he had stopped and looked in several of the stores, he hadn't found anything he wanted. He was planning on leaving the following morning. Though he'd gotten some party invites from his more extroverted classmates, he didn't want to go. He just wanted to go home. At this moment, the prospect of parties didn't fill him with excitement. Mostly he was just filled with an overwhelming feeling of ennui.

 _College has made me pretentious_. He walked around, the soft sounds of the bustling city setting the scene for this snow covered backdrop. Jared wasn't sure why, but he liked the snow the way most liked the sun. The way it fell, how it covered the ground, how slightly different weather conditions made for completely different types of snow, even when it was dangerous it still fell gracefully through the air. He allowed his lips to form a small smile. He barely did that anymore. Something inside him had been changed a long time ago, and he wasn't sure he would ever be the same.

 _College has made me **really** pretentious_. He sighed, his breath looking like mist in the cold winter air. He walked past the stores, eventually coming to a stop at a table in the middle of the street. He sat down, deciding that this was going to be fine for now. He'd decided that a lot in his life. But for once it was actually true; the brisk winter air, the light snow, the familiarity of the shopping center. Well, it was _almost_ true. The ambient noise of the city was overrun by the sound of somebody talking on the table behind him. He seemed to be deep in the middle of a conversation with someone on the phone. Jared didn't mean to eavesdrop, but…

"Are you kidding me? …No, I don't…Well why can't you just…No, nothing looks familiar, I've never been here before…Well then why did you take me here?" Jared could've sworn he recognized the voice. He mentally went through all of the classmates whom this voice might've belonged to.

"No, no, that's not… no, you wanted me to come here, but now that I'm here you don't have time for me?! No, no, that's bullshit! …I didn't, I wanted to stay home with Mom, but you practically begged me to visit you." If this guy was from out of town, why did his voice sound familiar? "I literally just said… no, I'm just… stop interrupting me! No, no, I'm done. I'm not dealing with this anymore. I wanna go home… I don't care, you didn't make any time for me… OKAY, GREAT THEN! GO AHEAD, DO THAT!" The yelling gave Jared a sinking feeling. He recognized the voice now.

"I'll get on a plane, or-or-or a bus! I don't care. I'm not spending another night in this fucking cold city. Bye, dad." The boy sighed, and Jared knew he had to turn around. He looked over his shoulder, and sure enough, there was the guy he never thought he would see again in his life.

"Evan." The boy looked over his shoulder. Sure enough, there was Evan Hansen, halfway across the country in town Jared went to college in. What were the odds. Evan's jaw dropped and his face went pale when he realized who it was. He quickly stood up and began running away, leaving Jared feeling more annoyed and confused than before. Evan quickly rounded a corner, out of Jared's line of sight. He sighed, stood up, and began walking. He pulled out his phone, and looked for a contact he should've deleted off his phone a long time ago. He called the number and was met with a hesitant, but familiar voice.

"…Hello?"

"I already saw you, asshat. I wanna talk with you. Meet me at the Starbucks, it's on the corner 16th and California, right across from the Jamba Juice."

"But—"

"Don't keep me waiting, Evan." Jared hung up and walked towards the coffee shop. He walked past the benches and tables, past the pianos in the middle of the street, until he reached it at the corner. Understandably, it was one of the busier stores. But being the middle of the day in the middle of the week, only about half of the seats were taken.

"Hi. Caramel Macchiato, please."

"And the name?"

"Jareth." Jared had heard some time ago that Starbucks employees were actually instructed to misspell names as a marketing ploy, hoping they would take photos of the cups. He didn't know if it was true, but every now and then he would intentionally give a fake name similar to his real one and tally up the number of times they wrote his name by trying to misspell his fake one. He handed over a few dollars, putting a little less than a dollar in the tip jar. He sat down at a small table in the corner and waited for Evan and his drink. Evan was the first to appear. Jared gave an annoyed look at him. Evan walked over, clearly nervous.

"Sorry, I um, I don't know any of the streets. Took me a while to find it."

"That's alright. Why don't you get yourself a drink, warm up a bit?" Evan nodded and went up to order his drink. Jared shook his head. It looked like not a lot had changed with Evan. Still anxious, still secretly angry at the world, still annoying. Jared wondered if he had changed much over the years. He hoped so. He was an asshole in high school. Evan walked back over to the table and cautiously sat down.

"So… why are you, um, I mean, what brings you to Denver?" Evan asked, trying to keep the tone conversational.

"I go to school here." Evan seemed surprised at this revelation. "Yeah. Just a couple of blocks over, actually."

"What's that like?" Jared shrugged.

"Typical college experience, I guess. Not a lot to talk about."

"Caramel Macchiato for Jared." Jared smirked. _That's seven._ He got up and grabbed the coffee, thanking the person behind the counter. He walked back to the table and began sipping on it as he and Evan talked.

"So what about you, why are you—"

"Why did you want to talk?" The interruption caught Jared off guard. He wasn't used to Evan interrupting him. Maybe he had changed a little bit since high school.

"Well, I mean, we haven't seen each other in, what, two years?"

"We only graduated a year and a half ago, Jared." Jared stared at Evan intently.

"We haven't talked in two years, Evan. And you know it." Evan looked away, ashamed.

"Yeah. I know."

"And then I overhear you on the phone just after classes end for me? It felt like…" Jared shook his head. _It felt like it was supposed to happen_. "I dunno. It's just weird. Not to mention that phone call had you upset."

"Yeah, well…" Evan gestured vaguely. "My dad wanted me to visit him for Christmas." Jared raised an eyebrow.

"You don't celebrate Christmas."

"Well, he does. At least he does with his new family. Practically begged me, his oldest son, to come out here. But I haven't seen him at all since I've been here. He just wants me to babysit my half-siblings, who I don't know. It's like… he wants me here, but he doesn't want _me_ here. Does that…" Evan sighed. "No, of course it doesn't… It was like he wanted me here solely to have the whole family together, not because he actually cares about me as a person."

"Hot Chocolate for Eleven." Evan looked up confused.

"That's not even a name…" he murmured. Jared chuckled as Evan walked up to get his drink.  Evan began speaking as he sat back down. "So anyway, he took me here because he wanted to do some shopping and 'bonding.' His word, not mine. He told me to wander around, and then just left me here with no explanation and no way to get back to his house."

"Wow. What a perfect asshat." Evan laughed.

"Yeah. Guess it runs in the family." He smiled, a bit sadly then looked down.

"So, you're heading home?" Jared asked. Evan pondered this.

"Yes. Maybe. I guess. I dunno." Evan looked down and began pulling on the edge of his jacket. "I guess I'll have to look up prices for plane tickets. Or bus tickets. What, with all the snow and stuff… What about you? You heading back home for winter break?"

It would be so easy to lie right now. It would be so easy to say he was planning on chilling in Denver all winter. It would be so easy to just leave Evan in a previous life he had been trying hard to forget, let him figure out how to get home by himself. Instead…

"Actually, I was planning on leaving tomorrow morning. Yeah, I just finished with finals so I was gonna drive back. I make a whole trip out of it, four days of driving, three nights of motels. It's longer, but I can take my time while driving and I can stop by any tourist traps I pass if I want."

"Huh."

"Yeah, my parents usually want me home sooner, but I've got some money saved up. I don't like to feel hurried on the road. But yeah, I'll be home in just a few short days." Evan nodded. Jared looked at him in anticipation.

"Well, um, that sounds fun. Hope you have a good trip." Evan took another sip of his hot chocolate after saying this. Jared sighed, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"God, you're so thick sometimes." He gestured to Evan with his hands, a closed grimace and wide eyes to indicate frustration with Evan's lack of understanding. "Why don't you come back with me, Evan?" He over-enunciated each word to get across his frustration. Evan sat back at this, putting his hot chocolate down.

"Oh." His eyes widened, suddenly understanding. "Oh!"

"Took ya long enough," Jared murmured.

"No, no, nonono. No. No, I couldn't…" he cleared his throat. "No, I mean… It's-it's nice of you to offer, but I mean, I don't want to be a burden."

"It's not that big a deal," Jared said, somewhat begrudgingly. "If you could chip in for gas and motels, I'd actually end up saving money. Minus losing some space, you'd actually make the trip easier for me."

"I mean… I-I dunno, it seems like a lotta trouble…"

"It's a no-brainer, Hansen. Just nod, say 'that would be great Jared, thank you,' and accept the offer, dumbass." Evan thought about it a few seconds, then nodded.

"That would be great, Jared. Thank you."

"Alright, how much stuff did you bring with you?"

"Um… just a small suitcase and my laptop bag." Jared nodded.

"I can work with that. Should be enough space. I'll pick you up about nine so we can cover some ground before the sun sets." Evan nodded.

"Sounds good."

"Alright." Jared looked down at his nearly finished drink, then looked outside. "Did you need to do any more shopping? I can always take you back to your dad's place."

"No, no, you've already offered to—"

"I'll need the address to pick you up tomorrow morning anyway. If you're dad's gonna be an ass and leave you here with no way to get back, I might as well find out which house to egg next Halloween." Evan tried very hard not to smile at this. He failed miserably.

"Ok." The two stood up and walked out of the store. They were quiet as Jared led the way back to his place. They were quiet as Jared drove him back to his father's place. He thought he could just drop Evan off and forget about this until tomorrow. But outside the address Evan told him to drive to. As soon as she saw Evan she smiled and waved. Jared could only just see Evan roll his eyes.

"Thanks," Evan muttered to Jared as he stepped out of the car. Jared could clearly hear the conversation from inside the car.

"Evan! How'd you get back! Where's your father?"

"I found a friend. I'm gonna head inside to pack. I don't think I'm gonna stay for Christmas." With that, Evan pushed past her and walked inside the house. The woman looked confused, uncertain of what had just happened. Jared knew he should drive away. There was no reason to stay now. But the woman had already seen his car and was walking over. He sighed. She knocked on the window, and he plastered on an obviously fake smile as he rolled it down.

"Are you an uber driver or something?" the woman asked politely. Jared shook his head.

"No, I actually know Evan from high school. We're kinda driving back home together. You're Evan's step-mother?" The woman nodded.

"So you're the reason Evan isn't staying longer?"

"No, no, no. I'm just the one who offered the transportation. Evan made the decision to leave on his own, and I'd wager the reason Evan isn't staying longer is his father." The woman raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

"Listen, I really hope Evan's father is a good husband, and a good father to your kids, but he's an awful father to Evan. He can't just fly Evan out so he can be a prop on his happy family Christmas card. That's just not fair to Evan." The woman nodded grimly.

"He has been busy a lot recently, and Evan's been frustrated this whole time, feeling cooped up in the house, not really doing anything." She sighed. "How well do you know Evan?" Jared thought about it. In a strange and uncharacteristic mood, he decided to tell the truth.

"He was probably my closest friend until about senior year."

"So you know a lot about what went on around that time." Jared nodded.

"A lot more than most."

"I mean… Evan's father has just wanted him around more, wanted to see him more. I mean, ever since the suicide thing…" Jared shook his head.

"That doesn't make sense though. Evan's dad didn't know Connor, and Evan wasn't…" he had to choose his next words carefully, "…he isn't really doing anything with the Connor Project anymore." She eyed Jared, confused.

"Who's Connor? What's this project Evan was working with?" Jared stared back, equally confused for a few seconds.

"We're having two completely different conversations right now, aren't we?"

"I believe so."

"I'm talking about how right at the start of our senior year, this kid, Connor, a classmate of ours and Evan's… friend… he committed suicide. And Evan got really into helping out Connor's family, started a whole kind of foundation or whatever about Connor. He kinda lost himself in it. That's around the time we stopped being friends," Jared confessed. Something dawned on the woman, her eyes became wide in realization, and her face seemed almost… horrified? But why?

"So, you're driving back tomorrow?" She was clearly changing the subject. He didn't care. He wanted to end this conversation and get the hell back to his place.

"Yeah. I'll be back here around nine am." She nodded. "Oh, tell Evan I'll text him when I get here."

"Will do. I should probably go help him pack now." Jared nodded. "You know, as sad as I am that he's leaving, it's kinda neat that he ran into you. Nothing like a reunion between old friends." Jared nodded hesitantly.

"Yeah… sure." The woman headed back towards her house, waving at Jared as he drove off back to his place. He sat in the car trying to puzzle out the short but confusing conversation they had just had. What was she talking about with the suicide thing? Why didn't she know about the Connor Project? He sighed. He didn't want to think about it. He wanted to drown out his thoughts in his music, forgetting everything that happened and pushing it aside as a problem for tomorrow. He sang aloud to the songs playing in his car, trying to recall lyrics instead of recalling old memories. He barely payed attention as he parked the car in his spot and went up to his apartment. He opened the door with the intent to go back to his room.

"Hey." His roommate was there. Jared would normally find it strange, since they appeared to have completely different schedules, but it was finals week after all so every schedule was off.

"Hey, Damien. Anything interesting happen today?"

"No, not really. You?"

"No." Jared walked towards his room, but stopped and turned around in the doorway. "That's a lie. I ran into a friend from high school." Damien looked at Jared, curious.

"I thought you didn't have any friends from high school."

"And this guy is the reason why." Jared smirked, then walked into his room, taking off his jackets. "It's complicated. We're old family friends. He was here visiting his dad but he needs a ride back. So I guess I'm taking him."

"Should I be concerned?"

"What? No. Why?"

"This guy you know shows up out of nowhere and asks for a ride? Seems pretty suspicious." Jared laughed.

"Please. Evan wouldn't hurt a fly. He's an ass, but I can deal with him."

"I don't want you moping around the apartment like that week you were dumped by—"

"Can we not talk about that?" Damien smiled innocently. "And really I'm fine. No offence, but you don't know anything about my friendship with him. You don't really know anything about me."

"And whose fault is that?" Jared flipped him off. "I'm just saying, sometimes we cut people out of our lives for good reason."

"Yeah, but I'm a bigger threat to Evan than he is to me. My last words to him were 'fuck you, Evan. Asshole.' And I meant it. I cut myself off from him emotionally years ago. I'll be fine."

"Mmhmm." Damien was condescending, a trait Jared noted they shared in common. But other people's condescension was really annoying.

"I'm fine, I feel like I barely know him anymore. A few days driving him home isn't gonna change anything."

"Whatever you say."

"Shut up, asshole. I need to pack."

"Alright, alright, I'll leave you to it. Just make sure you can actually deal with this guy for a few days without completely breaking down."

"Don't worry, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it."

* * *

 

Jared lay awake that night. He had spent most of the rest of the day packing. He had been up since early that morning. But for some reason, he couldn't stop his mind from wandering. How had he and Evan ended up at the same place at the same time? How did it just so happen that Evan needed a ride home? Jared didn't believe in fate but this seemed bigger than coincidence. It was all too perfect. And despite his reassurances to Damien, he didn't need Evan fucking him over yet again. He didn't need Evan coming in and fucking up his balanced life. He didn't need Evan ruining him emotionally again.

That's what he had done. He may not have intended it, but that was the end result. Jared would never admit it to anyone, especially not Evan, but that had hurt. And even though he wanted to take back the words he had said to Evan, he couldn't. Because he still meant them. And it still hurt, but it was more like a long forgotten ache at this point. He didn't need to reopen the wound.

And what was that suicide thing his stepmom mentioned? Had someone on his dad's side died? And they didn't seem to know a single thing about Connor. Maybe that wasn't too unusual, but should they know this about Evan by now? Maybe Evan's father really was just that self-obsessed, that he knew nothing about Connor, knew nothing about the hell that was Evan's senior year. Of course, Jared's senior year had been hellish too. High school was just awful.

Jared groaned. He didn't need to be thinking of all of this. He needed to sleep. His alarm was set for seven am. He needed at least six hours of sleep to drive properly, and if he didn't fall asleep now he'd only get…

Jared rolled over. He wasn't sure what time it was. He looked at his phones lock screen. 3:17 am.

 _Fuck_. Driving tomorrow was gonna be a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yet another kleinsen fic. Am I predictable or what?
> 
> I wouldn't call this fic canon compliant, more like post canon. the feelings the characters felt in the story may be changed, but it can take place in the same universe (a different universe from whatever, i'd like to add). as always i have a lot to say and no idea how to say it, so i'll let the work speak for itself for now.
> 
> I hope you like this fic, feel free to talk to me on tumblr at official-didney-worl-elmo, and thanks for reading/kudos/comments!


	2. The First Day

Jared was woken by the alarm on his phone. He groaned at the sound and grabbed his phone from off the ground. Sure enough, the lock screen displayed the time as being 7:00. He desperately wanted to ignore it and go back to sleep. _Why the fuck did I think getting up two hours before I have to leave was a good idea?_

He knew why. He knew he still had to load the car. Not to mention he hadn't had breakfast yet, he still needed to shower and get ready for the day. There was so much he had to do and not a lot of time to do it. Still, he could probably rest his eyes for just a few more minutes…

"Up and at 'em, Jared." The door to his room flung open, and Damien walked in. "Rise and shine, wakey wakey eggs and bakey, um… that's all I got. C'mon. Time to get up."

"IhateyouandIhopeyoudieaveryslowandpainfuldeath," Jared mumbled.

"I didn't actually hear what you just said but I'm gonna assume the worst, and to that I respond that you're the one who wanted to get up early to pack your shit in the car. Shower. You'll feel a lot better after that." Jared groaned again, but got out of bed, eyes only barely opened, and grabbed an outfit to wear for the day. "Attaboy."

"Don'tfuckingpatronizeme."

"Alright, I'll let you get ready." Damien walked out of the room, leaving Jared to shower. Jared ran the water as he took off his pajamas. He wanted the water to be warm, seeing as how even the apartment was a little cold. He wondered if it was gonna be this cold back home. Before he stepped in the shower, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Exhausted, disheveled, angry. Perhaps that was the most honest image of himself.

_Or I only got four hours of sleep and need to shower, you pretentious fuck._

* * *

Jared walked out into the common area, hair still wet, feeling at least a little better. Damien was sitting at the table, eating breakfast. Across from him, in Jared's spot, was a plate with some food on it.

"Mornin', sunshine. I made you an omelet." Jared sat down and greedily grabbed a fork.

"You are a goddamn saint, Damien." Jared quickly stuffed his face, the two mostly silent as they ate breakfast, a peaceful moment together they rarely got to enjoy. Jared suddenly remembered something.

"I had a dream last night."

"Oh?" the other boy said, not looking up.

"I was like walking in a park, like back home, but somehow I walked back here to our apartment? I think something strange happened in the middle of it. Like…I think I climbed a tree for some reason? I dunno. All I remember is that I ended up lying in bed next to someone."

"I don't like where this is going."

"I woke up before I saw who it was… but I already know who it was." Jared sighed. "What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know you well enough to diagnose you."

"Gee, thanks."

"Look, it doesn't mean anything. It's just your neurons firing off at random to create strange scenes that we choose to interpret into deeper meaning. The only meaning that exists is the meaning that you take from it." With that, Damien returned to his breakfast.

Jared considered this. What meaning did he want to take from this dream? He thought he'd moved past it, but maybe…

Jared shook his head. "I take from it that I hate sleeping alone."

"Everyone does, dude." He watched as Jared ate breakfast, a pensive look in his eyes. "We need to hang out more next semester."

Jared looked up. He looked like it was doubtful that would happen. "Well, yeah, sure, if our schedules allow it."

"No, Jared. We live together and I can name maybe three facts about you."

"So?"

"So shouldn't we know more about each other? Shouldn't we be, like, best friends or some shit?"

"I think that's a myth perpetuated by the popularity of the coffee shop sitcom."

"I just don't think we should be complete strangers who live together."

Jared sighed. "Ok, fine. Maybe you're right." The two kept eating. "Thank you for the omelet by the way. It's really good."

"Damn straight." Jared felt as though he should continue the conversation, but he had no idea what to say.

"So you're staying here for the break?"

Damien nodded. "Yeah, I think so. Just want a quiet holiday season. It'll be nice to have the apartment to myself." He grinned mischievously. "Think of all the things I can do with the place to myself. I could throw a party. I could burn the place down. I can walk around without getting dressed."

"Wow. You and I are the exact same person." Jared stood up, grabbing his now empty plate from the table and taking it over to the sink. "Don't have too much fun without me."

"I'm gonna have all the fun without you." Jared smirked and walked back towards his room, staring at the large collection of things he intended to take with him.

"I better start loading up."

"Let me help you with that." His roommate moved to get up from the table.

"Nah, I got it. It's my junk, I might as well pack it myself. You just eat breakfast."

"I mean, I'm pretty much done." Looking at his plate, he was clearly not pretty much done.

"If that's the case then you are bad at eating. It's not hard, packing the car. It's just tedious." Jared grabbed some of the bigger items and began moving them out to the common room. Before he could object, Damien was right beside him, helping him organize everything as Jared mentally planned how it would all fit in the car. Begrudgingly, Jared lets Damien help him as he carried things down to the car. It only took three trips to get everything down, but it took about a half an hour to work out where everything would go. Jared was used to having the front seat free to put things that he needed to reach easier, like snacks or maps if he somehow got lost with no cell service, and having to leave that seat open for someone else meant losing a fair amount of space. And that was a whole issue he hadn't even thought of yet.

Damien looked around, expecting there to be another piece of luggage to fit in the car. But they had finished. Rather than looking relieved, Jared was staring intently at the passenger seat.

"You sure you're ok with this, Jared?" Jared looked back, confused.

"With what?"

"Driving with this high school friend for several days. You sure it's all gonna be alright? I mean, I don't know the history between you—"

"Look there were… circumstances that made our senior year very hard. But that was a long time ago. As far as I'm aware all of that is over."

"Ok. If you're sure." Jared did what he could to hide the uncertainty on his face. He was sure it wasn't working. "See ya later, dude."

Jared gave a familiar wave in response. "See ya later." Jared walked around to the driver's side of the car and got in. He plugged his phone in, quickly selecting a playlist of light and mellow songs, hoping it would counter his mounting anxieties and regrets. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and put his foot on the brake pedal. He turned the key in the ignition, opened his eyes, and began driving to Evan's father's place.

* * *

8:58. Jared out at Evan's father's house. He arrived at 8:58. Not bad all things considered. There was a little bit of traffic on the road that morning, but Jared felt confident the traffic would dissipate the further out on the highway they got. He just wanted to leave as soon as he could. He paused the music and was about to shoot Evan a quick text when he saw the front door open. Evan, suitcase in hand and bag across his shoulder, quickly stepped out and walked towards the car. Jared rolled down the window as Evan approached.

"Hey Jared…" Evan said tentatively. He cleared his throat. "Um, where can I put my bags."

"I think there should be enough room in the trunk." Jared reached down to a lever by his feet. "Should be popped now. If it doesn't fit in there, throw it on top of some of the stuff in the backseat."

Evan nodded. "Ok. Thanks. I'm, uh, I'm gonna make sure I didn't leave anything in the house, but, um, then I'm ready to go." Jared nodded and Evan went around to the back of the car, placing his suitcase in the trunk but keeping his laptop bag on his shoulder. He pushed the trunk back down then walked back into the house, pointedly ignoring the man walking his way. The man looked disappointed and confused at being ignored, but he kept walking right towards the car. Jared let out a sound that was halfway between a sigh and a laugh before the man came in earshot. His hair was graying, his face had more wrinkles, and he might've been a little bigger, but Jared recognized him easily.

"Jared Kleinman! Wow, you've certainly grown up. You only just reached my waist the last time I saw you." He chuckled. "Feels like yesterday."

Jared gave a sarcastic smile. "Ah, Mr. Hansen. It's been well over a decade. You know that. And it feels like it."

The man chuckled. "Evan told me you developed a razor-sharp wit."

"Did he now? When exactly did he get the chance to do that? I thought you had such a busy schedule."

The man sighed. "I have no idea what you have against me, or why you convinced Evan to leave so soon—"

"Look," Jared interrupted, "I didn't convince Evan to do anything. I ran into him after your phone call, and he was dead set on leaving. I didn't steer him one way or another, I merely provided transportation to his destination, which just so happens to be my destination as well."

"Well then why is he leaving so soon?"

"I think you might want to look in the mirror for the answer to that question." The man's expression became angry. "Look, Mr. Hansen, I have nothing against you personally, but I call 'em like I see 'em, and you've been a shitty father to your oldest son. You need to actually show an interest in him if you want him visiting."

The father's expression became stony. "My point is, Evan is very fragile."

"Oh, please, when did you get the chance to form that opinion? He's a lot stronger than you believe. Everyone underestimated him, I mean—"

"Be that as it may," he enunciated through gritted teeth, "if you hurt Evan—"

"I'm sorry, if _I_ hurt Evan? What, you get a pass on hurting him because you’re his father?"

"I'm just speaking from the heart. I know you hurt Evan before, and if you hurt him again—"

"Did anybody ever think that maybe, just maybe, he hurt me too?" The two stared at each other, Jared suddenly understanding where Evan's anger came from. Evan hadn't been kidding when he said it ran in the family. At that moment, Evan came out through the front door again and walked towards the car.

"It was good to see you again, Jared." The father turned to Evan. "Evan, if there's anything I can do for you—"

"Pick me up from the mall next time," he murmured, bumping his shoulder as he passed and getting in the passenger seat and slamming the door behind him. He turned to Jared. "Drive." Jared obliged, driving ahead on the street and rounding a corner. As soon as the house was out of sight Jared pulled to the curb and stopped.

"Alright, buckle your seatbelt, I don't wanna be fined because you were in a rush to leave." Evan's face turned pink and he did as he was told. "Couple of ground rules. My car, my music, you don't like it you're welcome to listen to something else on headphones. We're gonna be driving at least six hours each day, and I've planned to be back home in four days, meaning three nights we're gonna have to stop for a motel. I'll pay for it, I can let you know what your fair share is at a later time. I like to keep the gas tank full, meaning we'll probably stop for gas every few hours, when the tank is less than halfway full. Do you have a credit card?" Evan nodded. "Alright, then we alternate paying for gas. If I see some dumb tourist trap along the way, we will probably stop to check it out. You don't have to view it with me, but if you do then you're paying for yourself. Sound good?" Evan nodded vigorously. "Good. Let's get on the road. Jared started pressed play on one of his playlists and started driving. Two seconds into the song, Evan looked over at him.

"Are you kidding me?" Jared looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "Rebecca Black? Seriously?"

"It's a fuckin' bop."

"It's really not."

"If you don't like it, listen to your own music."

"It's not even Friday today…" Evan mumbled. The song played in the background as Evan shrunk into his seat. Jared imagined he was beginning to regret accepting the ride.

"Hey Jared, how are we gonna split up the drive?" Jared turned to him, confused. "I mean, at least six hours each day, that's… that's a lot. What's the protocol for that?" Jared burst into laughter.

"No. I'm not letting you behind the wheel of my car. Last time I was in the car with you behind the wheel, you nearly wrecked and killed us both."

"That was years ago when I didn't actually know how to drive. I want to help."

"No. Out of the question."

"If we're not even gonna switch off, can we at least revisit the music rule?"

"Nope." Evan sighed. He looked out the window. It was going to be a long four days.

* * *

Jared was about three hours in and it was rough. He could swear Evan was making remarks about every other song they were listening to, or at least seriously disapproved of them. His vision was getting blurry, and at least twice he had unwittingly begun accelerating because he felt like he was slowing down. He could see Evan in his peripheral vision. He could tell Evan was trying not to look over at him. Great. He sighed. Why'd he have to let him come along? He closed his eyes for a moment…

"JARED!" Evan's scream got to him a moment before the vibrations of the rumble strips. He opened his eyes and quickly straightened back into the lane. He didn't realize he had been veering so far out of his lane. He breathed a quick sigh of relief.

"Hey, Jared?" Evan asked, timidly. _Great. Here comes the fucking "are you ok" or whatever bullshit._

"Yeah?"

"Um, there's a rest stop in like five miles. Can we stop there? I have to use the restroom." _Or not._

"Um. Yeah. Sure. We need to get gas anyway." It was only a few minutes before the sign for the exit came up. Jared pulled up to one of the pumps and parked the car. "Alright, be back out in a few minutes," he told Evan.

"Yeah, I'm not going inside." With that Evan got out of the car, thoroughly confusing Jared. Evan walked around to Jared's side and opened his door. "Get out."

"Evan? What the f—"

"Get in the passenger's seat, Jared."

"What?"

"You're in no condition to be driving right now, you look exhausted, and you nearly drove off the road. I'm driving."

Jared chuckled. "No way in hell am I letting you—"

"This isn't a discussion, we're trading off."

"No, we still have several more hours to go, and we need gas, and—"

"And I will pay for gas this time, Jared. Look, I'm a capable driver. I can handle a few hours on the highway. Right now you need to rest, so get into the passenger seat." Jared looked at him, wondering who the confident teen standing over him was and why they'd never met before. Evan's face softened a little bit as he saw Jared's harsh stare. "Please?" Jared looked at him for a few seconds, then begrudgingly unbuckled his seatbelt. "Thank you." He got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side as Evan filled the tank with gas. It was only a minute or so before they were back on the road, Evan now behind the wheel. Jared eyed him suspiciously for several minutes as they drove on the largely empty highway.

"Jared, I'm fine. I'm not the same anxious mess that had trouble ordering delivery I was in high school. I'm better. I can do this. Just get some rest for now." Jared sighed, turning back to the window. He rested his head against the side of the car and let his eyes close for just a minute…

* * *

> _Two birds on a wire_
> 
> _One tries to fly away_
> 
> _And the other watches him close from that wire_
> 
> _He says he wants to as well_
> 
> _But he is a liar_

Jared slowly became aware of the song, eyes still closed. It wasn't one of his songs. But it was nice. And Jared realized there was another voice singing along.

"I've never heard you sing before," Jared said. There was a pause as Evan stopped singing along to the song.

"Yeah, um, I don't do it often."

"You got a nice voice, Evan."

"Thanks."

Jared opened his eyes and sat up, looking around at the scenery. "How long I been out for?"

"Oh, about… two hours I think? I wasn't sure where we were stopping for the night but I assume it's still on this highway?"

"Yeah, it is." Jared looked at the signs on the side of the road.

"We can switch off if you want. Or if you have a better Idea of where we're going. But I don't mind driving a little longer."

"No, um, it's fine. You're… you're doing good." Evan sighed content. The two listened to the song Evan had on, just enjoying the moment.

> _Two birds of a feather_

"It's a good song. Probably better than some of mine," Jared admitted.

Evan nodded. "Regina Spektor." Jared recognized the name, she had done the theme song for a Netflix show a few years back. "Jared, who's Ari?"

> _Say that they're always gonna stay together_

Jared quickly looked at Evan. _How does he know that name?_  "What?" 

> _But one's never goin' to let go of that wire_

"Well, you, um, you mumbled her name a few times in your sleep and I was just… you know what, never mind, you don't have to tell me."

> _He says that he will_

"No, um, it's fine." Jared cleared his throat. "She was a classmate of mine that I became friends with this semester." 

> _But he's just a liar_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like this chapter! It took me a while and it's kinda just a weird chapter bc its several smaller scenes that i had to package as one chapter but I think it turned out ok. Shoutout to Kian aka fanboy aka lostfanboy, the coolest friend for checking the chapter over and correcting a few grammar things, u da best.
> 
> As always you can talk to me on tumblr, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo and i love receiving comments about my fics there if you have a chance to check it out. Thank you so much for the comments and kudos, I'm glad you guys seem to like the concept of the fic, here's hoping the execution is just as good!


	3. The First Night

Jared walked back into the room. He had taken a quick stroll around the area they had stopped for the night. He said he needed to stretch his legs after spending most of the day in the car, but really he just needed time to be by himself. He needed to process what had happened in just 36 short hours.

"Hey, Jared. Find anything interesting?"

Jared shrugged. "There's a Walmart across the street. I wasn't paying attention?"

"Anywhere we could pop in for dinner?"

"Are you really that hungry?

Evan nodded "No, I'm just thinking… ya know, for later." Jared sighed and sat on the bed he had claimed. He took out his phone and started scrolling through his feed, vaguely aware of Evan in his periphery, almost about to say something. "Jared should…"

"Hmm?"

Evan shook his head slightly. "Never mind."

"What is it, Evan?"

"It's really not that important. It doesn't matter."

Jared eyed Evan suspiciously, about to spout some sarcastic retort. At that moment, Jared's phone rang. He took a look at it and was surprised by the person who was calling.

"Damien?"

Evan looked over. "Is that a friend of yours?"

Jared looked back up, still confused. "Um, no. Not exactly. He's my roommate, I'm not sure why…" He stared at the phone as it rang, unsure why he was getting a call. "I should probly, uh, I should take this…" Jared pointed towards the door. Evan looked over and stood up.

"Ya know, I should prolly take a walk, stretch my legs. Maybe look for places to eat later." As Evan said this he crossed the room. "I'll be back later, um, you just talk to your roommate." With that, Evan walked out of the room and closed the door behind him, Leaving Jared all the more befuddled. He sighed and answered the call.

"Hey, Damien. Is everything ok back there? Why are you calling?"

"Um, to check on _you_ of course." Damien almost sounded offended Jared would even ask why he was calling. "You were definitely not looking great when you left. I think you got maybe an hour of sleep last night. You didn't crash or anything, did you?"

Jared sighed. "Well, nearly. Evan made me pull over and switch off with him."

"Wow. I was kidding. Jared, you can't do that."

"Yeah, no shit. I just didn't want Evan driving because…" Jared wasn't actually all that sure why he didn't want Evan to drive. He guessed that Evan probably wasn't as bad of a driver as he used to be. He knew that driving for six hours while running on maybe three hours of sleep was incredibly dumb. But there was something about it being _his_ car. _He_ needed to drive, not Evan. _He_ needed to be the one to get them home, and Evan driving was… was… unthinkable?

"Because… of your past relationship? Some kind of weird fucked up power dynamic?"

"Um. Yeah. A bit of an understatement"

"What's the deal with the two of you? You act like he's the cause of some major issues but you haven't actually said anything bad about him."

Jared groaned. "Because he's not really that bad. He's just… annoying. No, not even annoying just… _ugh_."

"Just… what happened between you two?"

Jared ran through his hair. "It's… complicated. It's too hard to explain."

"Jesus Christ, we all went through high school drama. It can't be that bad."  
"Look, Damien, you really don't… I mean you don't get it but…" Jared found himself wanting to tell Damien. But he just didn't know where to begin. And then suddenly he did. "Alright, um, search up 'Connor Project Speech' on youtube, it should be like the first result."

"What are you—"

"Just… I'll explain, just do it." He waited as he heard Damien working on his laptop.

"Ok… so it's some kid… wait, I remember this video. It got popular for like a week, and—Wait, _that's_ Evan?"

"We were family friends before that, but things became fucked up that year." Jared sighed. "I took advantage of him. For a long time. And then Connor died and… I dunno, he just became obsessed with protecting his legacy. He started the Connor Project. Roped me in, too. And that's when the tables turned. He started exploiting me and… I can't say I didn't deserve it. I called him out on it and we exchanged some choice words."

"Such as…"

"…Such as me saying Connor's death was the best thing that ever happened to him." There was a stunned silence on the other end. "Yeah, I know, I was a huge asshole. But he said some pretty shitty things to me. And no, I'm really not gonna tell you what he said."

"Ok. I can see how that's a tad more complicated than most high school drama."

"Ya think?"

"Jared do you want my professionally unprofessional opinion?"

"Not particularly."

"I think the two of you need to clear the air. I think you need to acknowledge what happened and acknowledge how you hurt each other. Maybe nothing will change but honestly, it can't make things more awkward, and who knows, you guys might get some closure out of it."

"I don't need closure, I need to survive three more days and he'll be out of my hair forever."

"Jared, everyone needs closure. Even—" Damien burst into laughter. "I'm sorry, I just found a photo of you from high school."

"What? No! Why would you be looking for that?"

"Oh come on, it's only two years ago, you pretty much look the same."

"For the love of god stop."

"If that's what Evan was like in high school, what does he look like now?" There was a long uncomfortable pause.

"Oh, you're actually, like, asking me?"

"Yes. Yes I am actually, like, asking you."

"Dude, I don't fucking know he's the same."

"Mm-hmm," Damien said, clearly disbelieving.

"I mean… I dunno. He hasn't actually gotten much taller but… he stands much taller. More confident. He hasn't changed much from high school but he's… he's changed a little bit. I dunno. He's matured."

"Clearly you have too."

"I'm not so sure. I'm still an asshole."

"I never said you weren't an asshole. But at least now you're a self-aware asshole. You're offering rides to people you don't like. You're trying to do the right thing."

"I don't know about that. I just… saw a mutually beneficial opportunity."

Damien sighed, exasperate on the other end. "Sure ya did. Don't worry, your secret about being nice is safe with me."

"My hero," Jared deadpanned.

"So anything interesting happen on the trip?"

Jared looked around, as if afraid Evan was going to reenter at that second. He then whispered into the phone, "Evan asked about Ari."

Jared could almost hear Damien's jaw drop. "How the shit does he know about Ari?"

"Well, I mean, I whispered it in my sleep while he was driving."

"Jesus Christ, what did you tell him?"

"I panicked. I said she was a classmate that I became friends with."

"Sorry, for a second it almost sounded like you said—"

"I did."

"Wow. So that's a lie on like multiple levels."

"I didn't know what to do. He said 'you mumbled her name in your sleep,' and I was like 'well she was just a classmate.' God, what the fuck do I do?"

"Jared, you don't owe Evan an explanation on this. You didn't even owe me an explanation. If Evan thinks Ari is some girl you became friends with, just let him. You haven't seen the guy in years, I think you're allowed some secrets."

"I dunno, am I being dishonest?"

"Jared, don't spiral. Ok? You promised me you'd be ok on this road trip, and thinking about that whole thing isn't gonna help you."  
Jared took a deep breath. "You're right. I know you're right. I just…" Jared shook his head. "I'll figure it out."

"Shit, I lost track of time. I gotta go, but you just focus on getting through these next few days, 'kay? Clear the air with Evan, and just don't be too much of an asshole."

"Well that's just unrealistic."

"Bye, Jared." And with that, Damien hung up. Jared was alone. Not that he minded, it was just… just…

Jared could've only been contemplating for a few minutes when Evan walked back in.

"So there's a McDonald's just down the block, I think a subway right next to it, there's a diner in the same area as the Walmart, and there's a Pizza Hut in the other direction. So, um. Plenty of options."

"Any place in particular you're interested in?"

Evan thought about it. "I'm not hungry at the moment. Maybe when it's actually dinner time I'll change my mind, but, uh, pizza doesn't sound bad right now."

"Pizza sounds good to me." Jared pulled out his laptop. "I'm gonna pass the time with some TV."

Evan nodded. "What are you watching?"

Jared shrugged. "I never got a chance to check out that Series of Unfortunate Events Netflix series."  
"Oh." Evan nodded slightly. "Do you mind if I watch with you?"

Jared looked over at him, thinking. "Not at all, Evan." He tilted his laptop so both could enjoy the show.

* * *

Jared was running for his life. He was running, and his lungs ached, and his legs were sore. _I'm too fucking fat for this_. But he couldn't stop now.

"This way!" a voice ahead of him called. Without thinking, He followed the voice around a corner, winding their way through the alley and into a barricaded building. Jared allowed himself to rest, attempting to catch his breath.

"Fuck. There are too many of them." Jared had never actually considered the possibility of a zombie apocalypse, but now that it was upon him it seemed dumb to question why it would happen. "I have to," he gulped, "I have to call everyone. My parents, I have to know their safe, and Damien, and—"

"Cell towers are down," the person Jared had followed said, back still towards Jared.

"Fuck, I need to make sure Ari is ok."

"Ari is probably dead. Don't go looking, you're just gonna get yourself killed too."

"Shit, shit, shit. Who else? Evan's… Evan's dead, he couldn't possibly—"

"Evan is fine, Jared. He found Alana's camp. But right now we need to find my sister."

"How do you know he's ok?" Jared asked, distraught. He paused and looked up. "Wait, how do you know Evan? How do you know Ari for that matter?"

"Finding Zoe is all that matters. She can stop this, I know she can. She has the antidote."

Jared backed away, horrified at the realization. "Connor?"

Connor turned around, rage in his eyes. "Who the fuck else, Kleinman?"

"No, no, no, no, no, you're, you're dead, you _died_. Before this shit went down." Jared gasped. "Fuck, you're a fucking zombie."

"Don't be dense, Kleinman. I was part of the successful experiments."

"But—then—if that's—WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?!?!" He screamed.

"Jared!" The boy slapped Jared across the face. Jared didn't register the pain, only the shock. "I know what you did. How you forged those emails, how you told Evan to lie, how you thought I was better off dead." Jared sank to the ground, clutching his knees. "I should leave you for the Zombies. They'd probably love to snack on your brains."

"I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. How do you know Ari is dead?"

"Pull yourself together. Jesus fucking Christ, Kleinman. I'm not leaving you here. You're my best chance at finding Zoe." Jared heard the scratching at the door, and the shrieking of hungry beasts. "We have to leave now, Jared." Jared shook his head. He couldn't process any of this. "Jared." He had to find Ari. Maybe Zoe could save him. "Jared." He didn't know what to do.

"Jared!"

Jared's eyes flung open. His heart was pounding, he began gasping for air, and he nearly rolled out of bed. He was in the motel, and Evan was standing over Jared, removing his hand from Jared's arm. It had been Evan's voice, combined with his gentle shaking that woke Jared up. He tried to process what was happening, but was at a loss for words.

"Sorry. You, um, you weren't sleeping well. I think you were having a nightmare. You were just… you were really distressed. I'm sorry. I probly shouldn't have woken you."

Jared sat up, closing his eyes and putting his face in his hands. He groaned. "No, um… it's, um…" Jared felt his heart beating faster. He hated when it did this. He couldn't concentrate, he needed—"Music."

"Huh?"

Jared could feel the tears forming at his eyes, and he desperately wanted to hide those from Evan. "Music, I need—" he turned away, looking on the bed and on the other side of the floor. "Where the fuck is my phone," he whispered intently. Suddenly, Evan grabbed his shoulder. He quickly placed headphones over Jared's ears and handed him his phone, pressing play in the process.

> _Jessica, wake up_

"Your phone is charging on the other side of the room, remember?" Jared closed his eyes, trying to ignore the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. He nodded as the gentle guitar slowly lowered his heart rate.

> _Jessica, wake up_

"Sorry, it's a short song, but uh, it's one of the more calming ones I could think of off the top of my head."

"That's ok."

> _It's February again, we must get older, so wake up_

"Thank you for waking me."

"Of course."

> _I can't write a song for you_
> 
> _I'm out of melodies_

"It was zombies." Evan looked at Jared, curious. "Campy as shit, and I was still terrified." Evan nodded.

> _I can't write a song for you_
> 
> _But I am asking please_

"Connor was there," Jared admitted.

> _Jessica, wake up_

"Connor Murphy?"

"Mmhmm."

> _Jessica, wake up_

"Ironically he saved me. Zoe had the cure, he was trying to get to her."

> _It's February again_

"I thought I had escaped Connor Murphy."

"Jared, we're never gonna fully escape Connor."

> _It's February again_
> 
> _We must get older now, so please wake up_

"I know, Evan." Jared suddenly felt Evan place a hand on his shoulder. He took deep breaths as he slowly relaxed back into a lying position.

> _We must get older now, so please_

Evan sat with Jared for several minutes until he fell asleep, in the hopes that he would get a better night's sleep than the previous night. He whispered one final thing as he got back in his own bed. "Good night, Jared."

> _Wake up_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> umm im tired and idk what to say abt this chapter. Song is "Jessica" by Regina Spektor. Thank you for all the comments and kudos, feel free to message me on tumblr @ official-didney-worl-elmo. Thank you for reading!


	4. The Second Day

Jared woke up gradually the following morning. The gradual realization that he was dreaming, followed by the frustrating inability to control it. The light from what must've been a break in the curtains falling on his left eye but not his right. The sensation of sleeping in a bed that was not his own. The sound of running water from the other room. His eyes fluttered open. He blinked a few times, taking in the bland surroundings of the room.

He sat up and yawned, letting everything familiar become background noise to… what exactly? There was nothing to focus on. His phone was charging on a desk on the other side of the room, right where he had left it last night. Right where Evan said. He saw Evan's phone was lying on the small nightstand between the two single beds. The headphones Evan had placed on Jared had been gently placed right beside the bed he had slept in.

He groaned audibly, embarrassed. He couldn't believe that that had happened in front of Evan. His nightmares weren't all that common, but when they did happen he could usually stave them off by waking up, watching TV, any number of things, but music was always the closest and it probably worked the best. He wasn't sure why his heart started to beat faster and faster when he woke, and he wasn't sure why he never was able to calm down without some other distraction, and he definitely wasn't sure why something as stupid as _zombies_ freaked him out so much. _Better than last time I guess. Vampires? Really? Never realized I was that derivative._ Regardless, this… _happened_. On occasion. He just hated that somebody was there for it this time. That _Evan_ was there for it this time. He remembered one time Damien had caught him at three in the morning, staring out the window, absentmindedly eating a bag of chips and listening to music. When Damien finally got his attention through this massive space out, he played it off saying he had woken up hungry.

But Evan had woken him this time around. He knew. And Jared didn't even get a chance to play it off. He had just blurted out in front of Evan, and Evan just—

Helped. Evan helped him. Evan helped him by waking him up, and then… didn't judge him, or worry, or ignore him, he just helped. That was a lot for a guy he wasn't even friends with.

Jared swung his legs over the side of the bed and stretched his arms. He sauntered over to his suitcase, grabbing the basis for an outfit that he hoped would be comfortable for driving that day. He walked towards the bathroom, and right as he noticed that both beds were empty, Evan opened the door to the restroom. His hair looked a bit damp, he smelled slightly floral, and there was a small blob of toothpaste on his chin. The two looked at each other, not speaking for a few seconds.

"You have something right there," Jared said, pointing to his own chin. Evan furrowed his brow, but wiped a hand across his chin and seemed somewhat surprised when he felt the toothpaste.

"Thanks. It's all yours," Evan said, stepping out of the doorway to the bathroom. Jared nodded, but faltered before actually entering. He turned around.

"Evan? I wanted to say sorry for last night, it was—"

"Jared, there's really no need to explain." Jared looked at him, skeptical. Evan chuckled quietly. "Look, I've been through it all. I've had anxiety attacks, panic attacks, outbursts of anger, um, one time I dissociated for, like, three hours." Evan rolled his eyes at this last description. "That was fun," he mumbled in a sarcastic cadence. Jared's expression only became more confused. _Dissociated? What the hell is that?_ "Anyway, I'm just trying to say that I've been through that kind of thing. In much worse scenarios, like, more exposed and more embarrassing. You don't have to explain anything. I understand, and I know talking about it… sucks, so…" Evan turned away once more.

"Thank you for waking me. And helping me with… ya know, the music." Evan stopped but did not turn around. He nodded his head slightly and went back towards his suitcase. Jared stepped into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and beginning his usual morning routine.

* * *

 

Jared had been driving for an hour or so, mostly without any comment from Evan. They had agreed to stop for lunch about halfway through their drive for that day and switch off then. But Jared was the first one to drive, which meant his music had been playing for an hour. Evan hadn't made a single comment on his music, which was nice… but strange. Mostly he just sensed indifference from Evan, which he didn't understand. Surely Evan knew some of the songs on his playlist. There had to be one that he liked. The last song faded out, leaving the car quiet for a few brief moments. The next song began with a repeating beat, vaguely tribal but not immediately recognizable when removed from the context of the song. Jared thought he could see Evan look slightly confused as the familiar but indistinct beat played. A small smile formed at his lips as the cowbell came in and Jared realized what song was playing.

Jared began moving his head as the synths came in. "Yeah! Great song." He looked over to Evan, who was staring back with a raised eyebrow. "Oh, come on, don't tell me you don't know this song."

"Everyone knows this song, Jared."

"Then what, you don't like it?"

"No, that's not it, it's just—"

"I hear the drums echoing tonight," Jared sang along cutting Evan's explanation off, "but she hears only whispers of some quiet conver _saaaaaaaaaa_ tion." Evan rolled his eyes and shook his head. Jared turned to him, still singing. "She's coming in, twelve-thirty flight. The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salv _aaaaaaaaaa_ tion!—Doo, do, da-doot doot dooo—" Evan seemed grotesquely fascinated by  the whole display, watching with a mixture of curiosity and disgust, the way one might view an avid bug collector's explanation as they held a tarantula in their hands. Jared had to amp it up. "I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies."

"Well, that's just rude, bothering a complete stranger." Jared ignored Evan.

"He turned to me as if to say, 'hurry boy! It's waiting there for _yoooooouuuuuuuuuu!_ '" Evan chuckled. Jared slammed his hands on the wheel and vocalized the short drum fill before the chorus. "Buh! Buh! Buh, buh-buh! IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT TO DRAG ME _AWAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY FROM YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!_ "

"THERE'S NOTHIN' THAT A HUNDRED MEN OR MORE COULD EVER _DOOOOOOOOOOOO!_ " Evan joined in with Jared's singing, taking the harmony line as Jared sang melody.

Jared laughed at Evan's participation. "Yes! I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN IN _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAFRICAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_ IT'S GONNA TAKE SOME TIME TO DO THE THINGS WE NEVER _HAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-AAAAAD!_ " Evan burst into laughter after the chorus. It was a pleasant sound, though Jared realized it was an unfamiliar one. Jared laughed along. "Admit it Evan, this is a good song."

"Well, I never said that it wasn't. The only song I really took umbrage with was Friday."

"Why?"

"Because it was nine am and I was tired and it wasn't even Friday. And it's _Friday_. Even Rebecca Black is embarrassed of the song."

"Oh, please, you've been side-eyeing my playlist for the past two days."

"Yeah, not for the individual song choice."

Jared turned his head to look at Evan, confused. "What do you mean? All of the songs on there are bops!"

"Jared, that's precisely the problem. Look, music needs contrast to be interesting. Why do you think there's typically a build up before a chorus of a high-energy song? They need to build energy where there wasn't any before."

"Yeah, exactly! So a playlist filled with high energy songs keeps the energy high."

"No, it doesn't. If your goal is to keep the energy pumped up, then only playing high energy, exciting songs is not the way to do it. You don't stay pumped up, because you lose the frame of reference for what 'pumped up' is supposed to be."

"That makes no sense."

"Ok, it's like yesterday. Remember in like that third hour of driving? You kept speeding up and having to slow down to stay within the speed limit."

"And?"

"You were accelerating because you lost the frame of reference for how fast we were really going. You wanted to feel a change in acceleration so you manufactured one, unaware of our true velocity because you had become accustomed and therefore desensitized to it. Same thing applies to music."

"I sincerely doubt that, Evan."

"You were playing your playlist yesterday when you nearly fell asleep at the wheel. You weren't pumped up listening to high energy music, you were being lulled to sleep listening to background noise. Music needs contrast." Jared glanced over at him, skeptical. "Ok, look, it's like Two Birds. Remember the song you woke up to? Musically and emotionally, that song is effective, wouldn't you agree?"

"I mean, I guess. I only heard it the one time."

"It's effective because Regina Spektor uses contrast in the song's arrangement and performance. She's known for using orchestral instruments to create this full texture, but she doesn't pull out the trombones immediately. Two Birds starts just with piano and voice, and gradually adds other instruments, occasionally reducing the instrumentation to emphasize other points as well as to reenergize the song. The song also ends with just voice and piano, and this time much slower, with the constant rhythmic lines reduced to longer notes and both being much quieter than almost anywhere else. It creates a beautiful and emotionally profound song that still manages to have a ton of energy." Jared wondered how long Evan had been thinking about that analysis.

"I'm not convinced. I think you just happened to choose a good example."

Evan's look quickly changed to annoyance. "Bring Me to Life," he replied, as if to challenge Jared's accusation. "Begins with simplistic instrumentation to emphasize the voice, the distorted bass comes in to amp up the energy before the first chorus, but before the chorus drops we get the final word of the verse sung a capella, all the other instruments drop out, and that completely changes the energy of the chorus. The rest of the song builds on this to reach a climacting peak at the final chorus, just before which the name of the song is sung, crescendo-ing to herald the final iteration of the chorus. And, if memory serves, appeared about two hours into your playlist yesterday."

Jared's mouth was slightly agape. He hadn't realized how much thought Evan had put into this. And he hadn't considered Evan was right. "I can't believe you used Evanescence against me. And called it by the right name no less."

Evan grimaced and offered a shrug in return. "Face it, Jared. Your playlist can't just be bops."

Jared sighed. "Fine, I'll add some non-bops. Maybe while we're eating lunch." Evan grinned at this, and Jared couldn't help but grin with him.

* * *

 

Evan had been right. Jared had been listening to Evan's playlist in the passenger seat since they had switched spots after lunch, and even though Evan's playlist was severely lacking in bops, the variety made the high energy songs feel even more energized. Of course, Jared wasn't about to admit this out loud, but should Evan bring it up again he would begrudgingly have to admit defeat. He got the sense that Evan recognized the victory anyway, but didn't want to say anything about it. Having made his case was satisfying enough for him.

Jared didn't understand that at all.

A ringtone went off, and Jared quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket. He was less surprised at the caller this time around. He answered the call.

"I don't know how you missed the memo, Damien, but our generation texts. We don't call."

"We do when our roommate doesn't answer our three texts or two other calls in the past hour."

"Dude, cell phone coverage has been spotty at best, it's kind of a miracle we're not breaking up right now."

"…Are you breaking up with me? We never even dated!"

Jared sighed. "Save the bad jokes for someone who has cell phone coverage in bumfuck, nowhere."

"So you're driving right now?"

"No, Evan is. Say hi Evan." Jared held the phone out in between him and Evan.

Evan looked over, confused and quickly said, "um… h-hi?" Jared quickly put the phone back to his face.

"So things going well?"

"Yeah. We're making good time out here, should stop for a motel in a few hours."

"I heard 'we're making out' and then something about a hotel, so I'm going to hope you're not kissing your ex-friend from high school and say that you cut out for a bit."

"I said we're making good time out here and we're stopping for the night in a few hours." Jared carefully enunciated each word, as if that would somehow fix the bad connection.

"You and Evan getting along?"

"I mean, yeah, why wouldn't we be?"

"So you…" Jared waited for the end of the sentence, but it never came.

"I'm sorry, I think you cut out there. What did you say?"

"I said, so you and Evan…"

"One more time buddy?"

"You talked to…bout high school?" Jared was smart enough to fill in the gaps.

"Well… I mean, not exactly…"

"Are you kidding me, Kleinman?" Jared rarely heard Damien angry. It was not a pleasant experience.

"Look, we just haven't had a chance—"

"You've been in a fucking car with him all day. How have you not had the chance?"

"Look, it just never came up, it's fine, it doesn't matter."

"Yes it fucking does. Toughen up, dude. Or you're just gonna end up bottling your feelings about all of this if you don't talk to him about what happened."

Jared was becoming uncomfortable. "This is really none of your business."

"Look, I'm just recognizing a pattern. It feels like the same thing that happened with Ari—"

"This isn't like that at all! It's completely different, the whole dynamic is completely different!"

"It just seems similar, you hiding your real emotions and not expressing what needs to be expressed, it just seems like a recipe for disaster."

"You know what? Thanks for calling to check in, but I'm fine. Really. And you know what? I'll do what I want because I'm a grown ass adult and I don't need you telling me what to do, so have a good break and I'll talk to you when I feel like it. Ok?"

"Jared—"

"Bye." With that, Jared hung up on Damien and the atmosphere of the car completely changed. Jared, previously too preoccupied by the phone call to notice anything, now clearly saw Evan's uncomfortable, shifty demeanor in his periphery. The music sounded softer than it had previously. Jared shook his head and looked out the window. He didn't like the tense atmosphere of the car.

"So…" He didn't like Evan trying to ease that tension either. "What was that about?"

"Oh my god it's none of your fucking business!" He said, raising his voice and turning to Evan, gesturing intently and eyes widening in exasperation. "Just leave me alone." He turned to look back out the window.

"Sorry," Evan squeaked out before turning up the music and continuing to drive. The energy was more tense now, and both boys attempted to ignore it by listening to the song that was playing. When that song ended, they listened to the next one. And the one after that. And the following one. Another song had just started when Jared decided to break the silence.

> _This changes everything, I could tear you up to shreds_

"I'm not angry at you," Jared admitted. Evan glanced over at him, surprised. "Damien mentioned something that… something I don't like to think about and I got defensive, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry about that." Evan gently nodded.

> _It don't mean anything if I live to regret_

"I am pissed at Damien though." God, where does he get off on that? You know? It's my life, I can do whatever the fuck I want, and he doesn't need to baby me."

> _Going through the motions when there's no emotion left to feel_

Evan cleared his throat. "Um… well… well, maybe-maybe he just, like, um, maybe he's just worried for you? I mean, um…" Evan shut his mouth, afraid to say anything else.

> _Left to feel_

Jared side-eyed Evan. "Edifying analysis. Truly."

> _You don't know_

"Sorry, I don’t… I just mean… if somebody checks in on you, and gets into the parts of our life we'd rather not think about… doesn't that just mean they care about us, and want to make sure that we're ok?"

> _You're so oblivious to words I've never said._

"I mean. I guess. But some things just shouldn't be discussed. Damien and I… it's like, we barely know each other. Why does he give a shit what I do?"

> _Isn't it obvious that we would always get_

"Well, maybe he wants to get to know you better. Living with a stranger isn't super fun."

> _To a place where we would make mistakes_

"It's just… if we actually talk and become friendly, he'll get to know me. And he'll see everything wrong with me. I don't want anyone to see the worst of me."

> _All you've seen is beauty_

Evan looked over and paused. "I understand that."

> _Well, this is the ugly, this is the ugly truth_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest that I've actively worked on a chapter. Sorry it took a while. Song at the end is Lauren Aquilina's "The Ugly Truth" (it was the first song I could think of to go along with the "worst of me" idea from waving through a window). I should have more to say but I don't, this chapter ended up a lot different from how I thought it was going to go. as always you're welcome to communicate with me through tumblr @official-didney-worl-elmo, thank you guys for the support and comments and thank you so much for reading!


	5. The Second Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are gonna be some heavily implied sexual themes in this chapter (and the rest of the fic really) so if you're uncomfortable with that i'd maybe not read what happens after the break.

The bed wasn't terribly comfortable, but it wasn't awful either. He'd slept on less comfortable before. It would be fine for the night. If he had to rank bad sleeping surfaces he'd slept on before, this wouldn't even crack the top ten. He wasn't sure what the top ten would be, but he knew the top three would be floor, bus, and bus floor at number one. This particular motel bed would probably rank—

Jared wasn't sure why he was ranking sleeping surfaces in his head (or why four choir chairs placed side by side was so low on the worst list). He hadn't felt right since his conversation with Damien. Maybe he just needed something to focus on. He was staring at his phone, but he wasn't seeing anything, or rather nothing was in focus. His mind was just floating from topic to topic. He wasn't sure how he'd even settled on the comfort of sleeping surfaces, or why he was now wondering why he was thinking about sleeping surfaces. Anything to avoid talking to—

"You ok?" Evan asked from the other bed. Jared continued scrolling on his phone, not looking up nor actually paying attention to the posts he was dismissing.

"Yep," he replied nonchalantly. He waited in silence for a few seconds before amending his statement in the precise same tone he'd originally said it in. "Nope." Jared sighed and put his phone down. "Damien thinks we should talk."

As Jared stared at the ceiling, he saw Evan in his periphery, continuing to scroll through his own phone and trying to maintain the casual air of indifference. "What does he want to talk about?"

"No, not 'we' like him and me. 'We' like you and me."

"Oh," Evan replied, a little confused. "Um, why? What-what about?"

"Senior year." Evan lowered his phone. "The Connor Project." Evan turned his head. Jared had expected Evan to be uncomfortable at the very least. He had not expected the angry words that came out of Evan's mouth.

"You _told_ him? You barely even know this guy!"

"No!" Jared quickly sat up and looking at Evan. Amidst the anger on Evan's face there appeared to be another, stronger emotion: betrayal. "No, Evan, _god_ no. Of course not." Evan wasn't completely assuaged. "You know I would never do that. No, I just told him that… Connor died, and you started the Connor Project and that the dissolution of whatever amicability we had was the resulting consequence."

"Wow," Evan replied dryly, taking everything that Jared had just said in. "College has made you pretentious."

Jared chuckled to himself. "And redundant, apparently. 'Resulting consequence?' Why…" Jared shook his head.

"So… do you think we should talk about it?"

"I mean… honestly I don't want to." Jared contemplated it. The road trip with Evan. The way things had changed after Damien called. How it was almost going well until then. And he realized their past was really getting in the way. "But I think we should."

"Ok…" Evan shifted uncomfortably. He cleared his throat, trying very hard to hide his disdain for the topic but utterly failing. "What do want to say?"

Jared sighed. "I… I should apologize for—well, for a lot of dumb shit I said and did. I'm sorry I was a complete ass to you most of the time. Um… the car insurance thing. That was a dick move. Telling you to essentially lie and then criticizing you for actually lying, um, not one of my finer moments, and I'm sorry. I want to apologize for… well, the last thing I said to you but honestly? I don't actually think I was off base. In hindsight my approach was poorly conceived. And I hit on a more personal note than the one I should've been admonishing you on. But I think someone needed to remind you just how fucked up all of this was, and if I had to be the one to do it so be it. And as long as I'm being honest, I'm still angry. It's irrational, and dumb, and I know I have absolutely no fucking right to be angry at you, but I am. So I'm sorry I can't apologize for it, but I'm not sorry. I stand by what I said." Jared took a deep breath. He wasn't sure why he had blurted all of that out. And he was terrified for Evan's response. He waited with bated breath, knowing full well that this conversation could easily make the next few day much more awkward for both of them.

"That's all?" The reply caught Jared off guard. He looked back at Evan, startled, but unsure how to answer. "That's all you have to apologize for?"

Jared was dumbfounded. "Well… I mean, those are just a few examples that outline a general pattern of behavior that I followed. Stupidly. I can't exactly apologize for every shitty thing I did when I honestly don't remember most of them."

"What about Connor?"

"…Connor?"

"We'll get to the way you treated me. But you were just as bad to Connor. You called him a school shooter and a freak on the first day of classes. And then after the whole project blew up you said his death was the best thing that ever happened to me."

For the first time, Jared understood something that he had taken for granted about Evan. "So… all of that, everything you did for Connor, for the Murphy's… that wasn't just, like, for Zoe, it wasn't posturing?"

Evan looked equal parts angry and dumbfounded by Jared's apparent stupidity at this question. "Are you kidding? No, of course not. Connor died and they were hurting, I only wanted to help them and… I dunno, I couldn't help Connor but maybe, like, make up for what I couldn't do for him? Yeah, it was dumb and ill-conceived, but it was sincere. I can't believe you'd even think…" Evan shook his head. "You say that somebody needed to remind me what I was doing? I never forgot it, Jared. I knew how messed up it was, and the guilt has not fully left me to this day. I did an awful thing. Sure, my intentions were selfless on the surface, but that doesn't change the fact that I did benefit from it and that is was an awful thing to do."

Jared looked away. "I do regret what I did to Connor. And I regret saying that to you. I was an asshole."

"You can say that again." Jared almost smiled at this. There was something about Evan standing up for himself—in a rational manner, anyways—that was refreshing. He would've never said something like that to Jared in high school. "Adolescence is a nightmare as it is. I was just trying to survive. And you didn't make it any easier."

"I was-I was twisted. I thought… I don't know what I thought. Picking on you would make me cooler? You deserved it because you were annoying? It didn't matter because I was joking? I dunno. I was awful. I wish I hadn't been, but I was. Still am."

Evan sat there in stony silence. "You couldn't even be bothered to sign my fucking cast. Something Connor Murphy, who was a pariah by that point, was actually kind enough to do, right before he stole my letter and killed himself." Jared knew the story, he'd heard it a hundred times. So why was hearing it this time so sickening? "All this at a time when I really needed a friend. And you just… you didn't care until suddenly I wasn't paying attention to you. Until there were more important things in my life than putting up with your shit." Evan exhaled. It seemed like he had gotten a lot off of his chest.

"All I really had at the time was my camp friends. I… didn't really know how to become your friend, and, well, I didn't want to. I mean, maybe I did, but it was _Evan Hansen_ , and you know how fixated stupid teenagers get about keeping up appearances."

"…I know I should be angry, I know I should hate you…but I'm still sorry I wasn't really there for you. Because I knew you needed someone by the end of it and I was just too jaded to care."

Jared didn't feel right. Evan should be yelling at him. Jared had been the burden on their relationship. He was the one who made all the mistakes, not Evan. Evan had some problems, but it was Jared's fault their relationship was so fucked up and awkward now. Why couldn't he just be nice to Evan, help with the Connor project, sign the cast—

Jared got a sinking feeling quite suddenly. "You know, I think I only just put something together…I know that there were…extenuating circumstances, but… your letter was mistaken for a suicide note. I don't think I ever really… grasped the true gravity of that." Evan said nothing. And Jared was forced to think again. And as his brain rushed through a thousand Evan and Connor related topics every second, he remembered that yesterday morning, Evan's step-mother mentioned something about a suicide in Evan's senior year. And she had never heard of Connor. He needed to ask, he couldn't contain it anymore. "Evan—"

"I'm not mad. I should be, I should be so pissed with you, so goddamn angry. But you were like me. You had different ways of dealing with it, and it sucks that I was hurt as a result, but I get it. I'm sorry for what I said. I don't know if I can just, like, instantly forgive you. But I think I can be ok with it."

"Evan—"

"I think your friend was right. I'm glad I got that all off my chest. It's just… I don't like talking about it. Can we just drop it? Let it be understood?"

Jared didn't want to drop it. He wanted to find out what Evan's step-mom meant, wanted so desperately to be proven wrong. But he knew he couldn't probe any further. He owed Evan that much.

"Ok." Jared looked back to his phone. He still couldn't pay attention, letting his mind wander.

He decided the bed would be much more comfortable than the atmosphere in the room should logically allow.

* * *

Jared couldn't sleep. He wasn't sure why. It had been a long day. It was really late now. And he felt exhausted. Talking things out with Evan had left him emotionally drained. But based on what little small talk they made the rest of the evening, Evan had said all he needed to say. As far as he was concerned, the elephant in the room was removed. Jared wasn't sure if he felt the same though. He had so much that he wanted to apologize for that he knew he would never get to, because he forgot or Evan forgot or it didn't matter anymore, or because he wasn't actually sorry.

Realizing that he may never fully get closure put Jared in an understandably weird mood.

He must've been lying there in the bed, eyes closed, for several hours, but he couldn't fall asleep. Or maybe it was only twenty minutes. He wasn't sure, and he wasn't going to risk looking at his phone, blinding himself in the process of checking the time and ruining all his hard work to fall asleep. He knew the inability to fall asleep was probably a combination of many things, but the most likely suspect was his overactive mind, thinking of everything and anything, despite his desperate attempts to not overanalyze his life. He replayed his entire relationship with Evan in his head. And then his mind turned to the other people he'd rather not run into.

He knew that despite having every reason to, Zoe had not blocked him on Instagram. Not that that really mattered, considering he never opened his Instagram. He'd seen a tweet from Alana's account with some rather serious implications, followed by a follow-up post on facebook. He felt bad for her. Most people weren't really that close to her (not that he was anymore, or had ever been), and so most hadn't seen what had really happened to her. It was really sad to see everyone commenting sympathetically, when nobody actually knew or cared what she was actually going through. Heidi was doing alright, based on Evan's comments. He'd seen Cynthia and Larry on a few talk shows here and there, mostly when some reporter suddenly remembered Connor and wanted to know if anything resulted from that. When they did appear together, they seemed happier than when he had last seen them. It had seemed to him that their marriage was on its last limbs, but now they seemed to genuinely care about and appreciate each other. And then there was Ari—

 _Ari has nothing to do with this. This is nothing like that. My relationship with Evan isn't like my relationship with Ari._ His conversation with Damien had left him all shook up largely because of that name. Damien insisting on comparing the two incomparable relationships was not helping Jared in the slightest. When the actual incident had gone down Damien hadn't exactly been there for him, and Jared was the one emotionally wrecked. What was it with Damien's sudden interest in Jared's emotional wellbeing? Why just now did Damien admit he wanted to be friends with Jared rather than just roommates? Why was the timing for everything in his life just so weird?

Jared's thoughts were interrupted by a series of subtle noises that he didn't even register at first. The sounds were soft and strange, and it took a few seconds to realize they were coming from Evan's bed. _Should I check what's going on?_ Just as Jared was about to roll over and open his eyes, the realization of What Evan was doing hit him like a ton of bricks. _Oh._

Jared tried to get his mind to focus on something, anything else. He would've preferred the way it had been racing a few seconds ago to the way it was hyperfocusing on this one thing. The soft sounds of the fabric moving up and down. The controlled breathing of someone who had learned to be quiet. The awkward muted sounds of flesh hitting flesh. The quietest whimpers and exhalations that pierced through Jared's mind like the sound of a jackhammer. Jared forced his eyes closed even harder, afraid they would snap open and he would see the scene before him. Unfortunately, his mind was intent on filling in the gaps and making him visualize it. Evan, eyes closed and his face contorted by pleasure, one hand rubbing his bare torso, the other moving up and down, slowly accelerating as he stroked his—

" _Zoe…_ " The word was almost imperceptible. Jared wasn't even sure he _had_ heard it. But Evan had definitely said something, and… well, that was the only thing that made sense. Based on what he was hearing now, or rather what he wasn't, Evan was done. Jared presumed that meant he had finished, but he couldn't tell. He didn't hear panting or any kind of shifting at all, really. It was hard to tell what was going on, and it was something Jared didn't want to know.

Jared did everything he could to not think about it. But when the only thought crossing his mind was to not think about Evan, rather than actually thinking about something else. He had to do something, had to distract himself. But Evan was right there, and as much as he didn't want to be thinking about this, he _definitely_ didn't want to let Evan know he had heard. He stayed there, frozen by fear and convention. He kept picturing Evan. He kept reliving it, having heard it once it wasn't hard to imagine. His stomach hurt. He felt sick, he shouldn't be thinking about Evan like this. He didn't _want_ to think about Evan that way. His stomach hurt. He needed to do something.

Though he had no way of knowing how much time had passed, he guessed about twenty minutes had passed before he shifted, grabbed his phone and got out of bed. He walked to the bathroom and closed the door. He didn't want to turn on the light. It was gonna be too bright, and then it was gonna take forever to go back to sleep. But he couldn't see anything in the dark bathroom.

He hit the switch, immediately squinting as his eyes worked to adjust to the sudden change. His stomach hurt. Was he going to be sick? He felt like maybe that was a possibility. He put up the toilet seat, just in case. He took a look at his phone. He had been trying to sleep for a few hours now. He really should just listen to music or something. His mind wasn't racing anymore, but it was annoyingly fixated on Evan. He needed to distract himself or something. He unlocked his phone. He checked around tumblr and facebook for a few seconds, but nothing interesting popped up. He looked at the screen, at an app resigned to a middle position on the home screen, nearly invisible. For the first time in forever he opened the Instagram app. He knew he didn't follow very many people on there, probably not a whole lot of posts. The app loaded.

The first picture was of Alana. A picture of flowers with a short note thanking people for the flowers and letters. He looked at it and felt uncomfortable. He quickly scrolled past it. The second photo was a silhouette of a familiar girl. "Home for the holidays. Every year I feel a little bit better. One day I will feel whole again."

Jared's stomach hurt. He had only followed Zoe to mock Evan. He'd never even added her on any other social media. The fact that she hadn't completely cut him off from every form of communication was a fucking miracle. He shouldn't be privy to this information. He shouldn't get to hope she was doing ok. He shouldn't get to feel sorry and desperately want to apologize. He kept scrolling, until suddenly he stopped.

The photo was from an account he should've unfollowed long ago. He recognized the face instantly. The eyes, the hair, the nose, and that damn smile. He couldn't deal with seeing Ari right now.

His stomach hurt. He was going to be sick. He stumbled over to the toilet, preparing for the worst… but nothing happened. He started coughing. Retching. He took several deep breaths, expecting something to happen. But nothing did. He felt bad for thinking of Evan that way, he felt bad for what Alana went through, he felt bad for what he did to Zoe, and seeing Ari show up on his feed made him feel absolutely sick. So why was nothing happening?

He heard a knock on the bathroom door. He sighed.

"I'll be out in a sec, Evan."

"Oh. No, uh, I was just checking if you're ok…" Evan's voice was muffled from the other side of the door. "Um, I mean, it sounds like you're sick and um… are you ok?

Jared rolled his eyes. "I'm fine, Evan. Just go back to sleep." He heard the footsteps retreating and wondered what to do next. He definitely needed a distraction now. He looked at himself in the mirror. Exhausted, jaded, bored. He did not look his best right now. He needed to get to sleep. And suddenly he knew the answer: he needed to listen to music. He had some earbuds that he left near the bed. He turned off the light in the bathroom and walked back out. He grabbed the earbuds as he made his way back to bed, and noticed that Evan was staring at him. If he could see anything in the now unfamiliar dark, he might guess that it was a concerned stare.

"Really, are you ok, Jared?"

"Really, I'm fine," Jared replied searching for the right song to calm his nerves. "Get some sleep, you're gonna need some rest for tomorrow." He pressed play and got under the blanket, turning away from Evan. "We have a long way to go to get home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so from here on out you're gonna understand why this fic is rated mature. im slowly but surely getting better at implying what's going on without having to come out and say it. thank you for reading, sorry it's been a while but i've been busy. Thank you so much for the kind comments and for keeping up with this fic, hopefully i'll update quicker next time. talk to me on tumblr (official-didney-worl-elmo but u know that by now), and you guys so much for the support


	6. The Third Day

Discomfort was the first thing Jared felt when he awoke. Not so much that he was in pain, but enough that it fully woke him up. His eyes snapped open.

"I gotta piss." He threw the covers off of his body, stood up, completely ignoring the empty bed beside him, and walked to the bathroom, only vaguely aware of the sounds of running water from inside. He turned the knob and was met with some resistance, but it didn't take much energy on his part. As the door open, he suddenly became more aware of the noise of the shower, and realized what he hadn't cared to notice before.

"Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Jared?" Evan's confused voice rang out as Jared kept his stride and walked over to the toilet. "I'm using the bathroom!"

"I noticed," Jared replied nonchalantly. He lifted the lid and lowered the waistband of his pajamas.

"I could've sworn I locked the door…" Evan mumbled.

"You prolly did. Lock's prolly broken." Jared closed his eyes and relaxed his muscles.

"Whoa, what the hell are you doing?!"

"What does it sound like? I'm taking a piss."

Evan pushed the curtain aside and poked his head out. "I'm literally in the middle of showering!"

"I noticed." Jared turned to look at Evan, and clearly saw Evan's eyes dart up, having been fixated on—

"Dude, don't fucking look at my—"

"I wasn't!" Evan protested. He disappeared behind the curtain again, clearly disgruntled. Jared shook his head as he finished and made his way over to the sink. His mind was desperately struggling to come up with something, anything to think about to avoid thinking about what just happened. He struggled to distract himself, his mind insisting on analyzing what had happened over the past ten seconds, when suddenly he remembered something he'd never received clarity on.

"You said something yesterday."

"Are you seriously trying to talk right now? I'm in the shower. _Naked_."

"So I've noticed. You said something about… deassociating?"

"I'm not gonna have a conversation with you right now, Jared!"

"Come on, humor me. Deassociating." Jared waited, listening to the quiet mumbling that was obscured by the running water, until it suddenly stopped.

"Wait, you mean dissociation?" Evan's voice rang clear from the shower.

Jared wasn't quite sure how to respond. "Um. Maybe? Probably, I guess. What is deassoc—"

"Dissociating."

"That thing you said you did for like three hours. What is it?"

"I mean…" Evan sighed. "It's kinda hard to describe. Because, like, people experience it differently? I guess I'd say… it's like a disconnect between reality and your mind. Or like something goes wrong with the way you perceive what happens."

"So when you disassociated—"

"Dissociated, well for me… well, the time I described to you was like and extreme form of spacing out. Three hours passed and I didn't realize it had happened at all."

"So… it's like spacing out?"

"I mean… that's an oversimplification of one manifestation of dissociation. Some people experience flashbacks. Some people feel a disconnect between their mind and their body, like they're living their life from a third person point of view or their appendages are separate entities."

"Wow. You know a lot about this. Lotsa therapy speak."

"Well when you start seeing a therapist in high school, you pick up on a thing or two." Jared stared in the mirror, vexed. Had he known Evan had been seeing a therapist since high school? He wasn't surprised by the news and yet… he was in a sense. Like, he should've realized a lot sooner. Had Evan ever told him in high school? He must've. Right? Did he forget? Or did he never know? He wasn't sure.

He hadn't exactly listened to Evan in high school.

"So we got a long way to go today. I think we're gonna have to stop for one more night but we'll get in before too late tomorrow. Like we've got an awkward amount left to drive, almost too much for one day but like not enough for two days. But I have an idea that might actually take care of that for us." Jared heard the water shut off.

"What do you mean?" He saw Evan's arm stick out from the shower curtain, searching for a towel. When he found one, the arm quickly disappeared again.

"There's something I passed on the way last time I drove back to college. I was on the wrong side of the road and in way more of a hurry than I should've been, but I'm positive we're on the same highway."

"You mean like a tourist trap?" Was that disdain in Evan's voice? Jared couldn't tell.

"Hey, I told you about this the first day. And you agreed."

"I know… I'm just surprised. Like, we've passed some weird ones. I figured if we weren't going for any of that, you just didn't wanna stop."

"Trust me, it can get so much weirder."

Evan pulled back the curtain. He was tightly gripping the towel around his waist, and Jared guessed he was doing all he could to obscure the rest of his body. He stepped carefully onto the mat, wiping any excess water off his feet. He looked remarkably dry, only his hair betraying signs of dampness. He quickly stepped forward, grabbing a pile of clothes Jared had not previously noticed off the floor.

"Bathroom's yours," Evan muttered, looking uncomfortable and trying to hurry out. Jared frowned.

"You sure you don't need to brush your teeth or anything?"

Evan rapidly shook his head. "I'll just do it later or something."

Jared sighed, beleaguered. "Evan, just do what you need to do while I start my stuff. No need to monopolize bathroom time." Evan slowly nodded. Jared turned to start the water again. He felt the water coming out of the shower head, making small adjustments until he was good with the temperature. By the time he turned around, Evan was already dressed and putting toothpaste on his toothbrush.

"Wow. You work quick." Evan rolled his eyes at Jared's comment. "Alright, I'm gonna strip down. Try to not undress me with your eyes." Evan's eyes widened and he shook his head.

"I told you, I wasn't—"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you gotta tell yourself." Evan rolled his eyes again and began brushing his teeth. Jared turned around, stepping towards the shower and taking off his pajamas. As he removed his boxers, he was acutely aware that Evan could be staring at his naked ass. He was just as aware that the odds of Evan actually doing that were ridiculously low. The odds that he would've been checking out Evan as he got changed were actually higher than the odds Evan was even considering looking at him right now.

Jared had always been confident about his body. Perhaps overly confident. But recently… well, recently, he wasn't. Not since before this semester.

Not since Ari.

Jared pushed the thought from his head and stepped into the shower. As he began soaking in the warm water, he heard Evan spit into the sink, turning on the faucet to wash his toothbrush.

"You are an incredibly strange little man," Evan's voice came from the other side of the curtain, "with increasingly odd bathroom habits." Jared wasn't sure why Evan said this. He realized Evan probably wasn't even certain why he said it. He was even less sure about why this comment stung a little.

"Yeah," Jared admitted. "I know." He remained silent for a few moments, unsure how to reply, or to spin it. "Would it help if I apologized for making you uncomfortable? Because I am sorry. I wasn't trying to do that." A moment passed. Then another. And another. Jared pulled back the curtain, but there was no sign of Evan. Jared rationalized that he must've snuck out at some point. He wasn't sure if he should hope Evan heard his apology or not. He tried to avoid thinking about it as he washed up. As he had said earlier, they still had a long day ahead of them.

* * *

"Cryptids? Really?" Evan asked, forking over the money for the tour.

"And other unexplained phenomena." Jared looked over at Evan. "You got a problem with that?"

"No. It's just some things are really bewildering because they make no sense. And this is not one of them."

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I not unpredictable enough for you?" Jared replied, a cocky grin on his face.

"I'm just saying, it's like not a lot has changed from high school." Jared froze, his face suddenly serious.

"I'm not the same person I was in high school Evan. I've worked very hard to not be that guy." Evan's mouth widened in understanding.

"No, of course not, I didn't mean…" Evan cleared his throat. "I just mean that-that-that if anybody was going to like this kind of thing… it's you."

Jared softened, suddenly embarrassed by how he'd lashed out. "Right. Of course." He grabbed the tickets from the cashier. "Come on, let's go."

The two entered the exhibit, unsure of what they'd find.

Evan turned to the sign near the front of the exhibit. "Alright first explanations… Bigfoot and..." He leaned in closer and squinted. "Nessie?"

"Well, obviously they're gonna talk about those."

"What the hell is a Nessie?"

Jared turned to look at Evan, incredulous. "Dude. You can't be serious right now." Evan shrugged. "You're serious?" Jared sighed. "Loch Ness Monster. I am so embarrassed for you right now."

"Sorry I don't waste my life learning about cryptids," Evan snarked, walking towards the next sign.

Jared rushed through reading to keep up with Evan. "Yeah, you waste it on learning about trees. Ooh, Mothman!"

"That cannot seriously be a thing."

"Don't talk about Mothman that way! He's my favorite cryptid."

"You have a favorite cryptid?"

"Many people do. And mine is Mothman." Jared looked at Evan expectantly. Evan stared back blankly, silently refusing Jared's implied plea. The psychic showdown lasted for thirty seconds before Evan finally sighed.

"Fine. I'll bite, I guess. Why is Mothman your favorite cryptid?"

Jared grinned. "He's not fake like so many other cryptids. He's not elusive like yetis, and he won't vanish on you like Owlman—"

"One, there's no possible way Owlman is a thing. Two, it says the last known sighting of Mothman was in 1967."

"Well, one, Owlman is totally a thing and kind of a dick, and two, there was a photo of Mothman taken not too long ago." Evan raised an eyebrow at this comment. Jared interpreted his skepticism as being related to the first half. "My point is Mothman is a cryptid that would treat you right." Evan shook his head and walked away again. Jared rolled his eyes but followed.

"Can I ask you something?" Jared looked at Evan, inviting the question. "Do you actually, like, legit believe in this stuff? Or is it just something to laugh at?"

It was Jared's turn to shrug. "It's best not to think about it too hard."

"That's not really an answer."

"I mean… I'm a skeptic, so no, not really. But it's a good exercise to try and prove something that seemingly goes against common knowledge. Because usually, the crazy answers sound more plausible than the realistic answers."

"Okay, no. That's where I draw the line. No way do the crazier answers make sense."

"I mean, sometimes they do. Like, spontaneous human combustion."

"That's not even a cryptid."

"It's on the sign over there. And in a lot of cases, seems to be the surprisingly obvious answer."

"Okay, no. I bet most victims were playing with fire and messed up somewhere."

"Then how do you explain the charred feet?"

"The what now?"

"And in any case most cases are nowhere near fire. And what about that bigfoot footage?"

"Man in a costume."

"Or the Fresno nightcrawlers?"

"You mean those things that were spotted in one super low quality video that are super easy to fake? Right. Because the obvious answer is undiscovered organism as opposed to doctored video footage."

"My point is," Jared finished, "I don't believe in a lot of this. But I also think we don't know a lot about the world. And I think it's important to examine strange phenomena before dismissing it out of hand. You have to hear the reasons these things must be real in order to find the reasons why they can't possibly be real." Evan shot him a look. "I know it's counterintuitive, shut up." Jared walked a few paces further through the exhibit. Jared observed they had covered a good portion of the tourist trap.

"Whoa, what's this?" Jared turned to Evan, wondering what had caught his attention about it.

The sculpture seemed out of place among the kitschy bigfoot sightings and scientific reports on Nessie. It was a delicately crafted piece, a small representation of a globe that was supported by a growing tower of tortoises. It was too carefully made to fit in amongst the cobbled together conspiracy theories. Moreover, Jared knew it wasn't an unexplained phenomenon. He knew exactly what it was. And it made his stomach hurt.

"Turtles All the Way Down," Evan read from the plaque. "Sculpture by local artist Dhvani Singh, representing her interpretation of the titular phrase. Originating from Hindu tradition, where it is said the Earth is supported by a giant turtle, which in turn is supported by a bigger turtle and so on, the saying has entered the common vernacular as a verbalization of the problem of infinite regress." Jared knew all of this, and became more distressed with each word. He felt his stomach becoming sick. The same feeling from last night, like he was about to throw up. He knew he had to leave. He made a beeline for the nearest exit, not hearing Evan asking about whether he understood any of it, not hearing Evan call after him. He sat down on the front steps of building, off to the side. He rested his head on his knees, closing his eyes and desperately trying to not feel sick. He remembered the first time he'd heard the phrase.

The wonder in the man's eyes, the enthusiasm Jared had felt with him, the frustration of not getting a definite answer and the desire to find it. At the time, Jared had found the idea fascinating.

Now, he found it pretentious. _Just like everything in my stupid life._

Jared didn't open his eyes, but he heard the footsteps, and felt the wood creak as someone sat down next to him, silently offering support. They sat that way for a few minutes, neither saying anything. The man next to Jared finally broke the silence.

"Jared, are you okay?" Evan's voice was quiet, cautious, afraid to say the wrong thing. Jared wanted to say the right thing to reassure Evan. But the truth was he wasn't sure if he was okay.

"It's just… it's something Ari always talks about. Turtles all the way down."

"Oh." He could almost picture Evan nodding along. He hoped Evan wouldn't push about Ari. He wasn't ready to explain it all. But he could feel a question on the tip of Evan's tongue. He braced himself for the incoming question.

"What does it mean?" The question came as a surprise to Jared. So surprising he opened his eyes to look at Evan, the feeling in his stomach nearly vanishing.  "Turtles all the way down. They had a plaque but I didn't really get it. What does it mean? Like, what do you make of it?"

Jared looked at him, quizzically. "Well that'll give you two different answers, what it means and what I make of it."

"Okay. What does it mean?"

"It's a saying that's used to talk about infinite regress."

"Yeah, I read that on the plaque, what does that—?"

"It means trying to find the reasons behind the reasons behind the reasons and so on." Evan gave him a baffled look. "It’s like the scientific version of answering every question with 'why?' as a child. Okay, so, like… let's look at the eponymous example. In some belief systems, particularly before we understood the concept of space and gravity and stuff, some people would ask 'why does the earth stay suspended in the sky?' and the answer might be given 'because it lies on the back of a giant turtle that we are unable to observe.' I dunno. Always reminded me of like those weird discworld books. Anyway, the point is that you've found the reason the earth stays suspended, but now you need the reason that turtle stays suspended. So the answer might be it lies on the back of another, bigger turtle. But now you need to explain why that one is suspended, and so on. It's just turtles all the way down. The reasons behind the reasons, when taken too far, are almost bound to be ineffable." Evan nodded pensively at Jared's explanation. Jared wasn't sure he'd made any sense.

"I think I actually get it." Jared nodded, surprised but satisfied. "Now what do you make of it?"

Jared shouldn't have been as surprised as he was by this question. And yet he was. He hadn't actually expected Evan to be interested in his stupid misinterpretation of the phrase. He looked away, almost bashful.

"Ari always talked about it like an issue to be solved. Always said it was about the _problem_ of infinite regress. But… I mean, maybe the reasons are just unknowable. I dunno." Jared sighed, turning his body back to face Evan, though still not looking at him. "Infinite regress looks at it from the top down, because that's the only way it knows how. It's impossible to look from the bottom of an endless string of conclusions to get the result. But suppose it were… I dunno, you just… you get this amazing, infinite system designed solely to support the final conclusion. You get infinite turtles working together to support the earth. And I always liked that Idea of support." He looked at Evan, who was fully attentive, as if hanging onto every word Jared said. "Even if you don't fully understand all the reasons, there is an incredibly large and complex system of factors working to support you just the way you are. And, I guess… I mean, I dunno." Jared turned away. "I guess I find that kinda comforting." He closed his eyes as Evan took in what he was saying. They stayed silent again for a while. Jared knew this was probably good for him. But he also knew silence allowed his mind to wander. And it was. Wandering. Going back to Evan. Evan, right now, siting in support. Evan, this morning, who looked down. Evan, last night, and what Jared had to listen through. Evan, the night before that, who helped Jared the best he could. Evan, three days ago, shy and angry at his father. Evan, in high school, yelling at him about Connor. Evan, the summer before, so excited to learn about trees. Evan, with a broken arm. Evan, a child, his family friend. Evan, in middle school, a shy loser. Evan, now, a man trying hard to work through his anxiety. Evan, the boy he talked to for car insurance. Evan, his only real friend. Evan, the guy who abandoned him for the Murphy's. Evan, the man. Evan, the friend. Evan, the stranger. Evan, Evan, Evan.

He couldn't keep it bottled up anymore.

"I'm still angry," Jared said suddenly. He kept his eyes closed but could feel the pressure of Evan's own watchful eyes. "You might've said everything you needed to say last night but I didn't. I can't just let it be understood. And that makes me mad." He heard Evan inhale, as if about to respond. But it didn't come. "There's so much that I want to apologize for, but I can't. Because I don't remember. Or you don't remember. Or I'm not sorry. And I know I was awful but the way you treated me… it hurt. I know that's not fair, but it's true. You abandoned me, Alana, your own mother for the Murphy's. And I'm mad. I know that's not fair. I know you couldn't have known how I felt, what I was going through. But I hoped you'd recognize. I mean…" He thought about what Evan's step-mother had said. "I think you were lying to me. To everyone. To yourself about how you were doing."

He heard Evan gasp slightly then clear his throat. "What— What do you mean?"

"You broke your arm because you accidentally fell from a tree?" Evan went silent, scarcely breathing. "How long did you expect me to believe that?" Evan remained silent. Jared could only imagine he was shrugging or shaking his head.

"…I don't know what you mean."

"Whatever. It's just…" Jared sighed. "I'm angry. Because I want to apologize but I can't for so many reasons. And I realize that I'm the asshole here but that doesn't excuse the shit you did to me. And Alana. Your mother. The Murphy's. Zoe." Jared regretted that as soon as he said it. He opened his eyes. In his periphery he saw Evan, pointedly avoiding looking at him. "Shit. I'm sorry, that was… I shouldn't have said that. I was just…" Jared cleared his throat. "You should probably just go back inside. Enjoy the exhibit."

Evan shrugged. "It's not really my scene. Plus how do I know you're not just gonna drive off and leave me here?"

Jared almost smiled at this. Almost. "Because I'm not _that_ big of a jerk."

Evan let out a small chuckle. "I know. I know." He nodded a few times as he said this, reaffirming both himself and Jared. "I like your interpretation of the turtles."

"You mean my misinterpretation?"

"I just like that idea of endless support. You know, for a pessimist you're pretty optimistic."

Jared broke out into a stupid grin at this. "For a nerd, you sure just quoted a Paramore song."

"For someone who's over their emo phase, you sure recognized it."

"Ouch. Touché."

Evan stood up. "Come on. We still got like half an exhibit left to check out." Jared turned to him, and saw Evan holding out his hand. Jared rolled his eyes, but grabbed it and stood up with Evan's help. "And I expect you to get some overly tacky souvenir from the gift shop, or else I really don't know you." Jared chuckled.

"You know me." The two walked back inside. "You're right. Some things don't change."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> firstly I'm so sorry for the ridiculous Hiatus I've taken from fic writing. my laptop broke way back when i was first writing this chapter, and i had to start this chapter over like five times because i kept forgetting to save. i randomly got the motivation to finish writing this last week, and i just now filled in some missing details, so here it is after forever. the third night is gonna be split up over two chapters for... reasons (related note: the mature rating is gonna become a lot more relevant as stated last chapter). from there its one or two more chapters so... yeah.
> 
> if ur still reading this fic, thanks for not giving up on it. sorry its been so long, it was an unfortunate set of circumstances that just left me incredibly demotivated. I'm glad you liked my writing enough to stick around. as always, thanks for comments, kudos, etc. and hopefully see you guys sooner than it took to get this chapter up. thank you for your continued support


	7. The Third Evening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: vague discussions of suicide after the first break, and very adult content after the second break (i.e. some naked bodies, vague descriptions of male genetalia in a heightened state, and many cringeworthy innuendos for certain aspects and acts as indicated by the previous two)

The horizon gleamed orange as the sun set behind the car, now quickly travelling east. The boys inside the car had now been enveloped in a tranquil, friendly atmosphere, though the tourist trap had set them a bit behind. As Jared drove, he felt a pair of watchful eyes on him. He looked over and saw Evan staring at him.

"What?" he asked, suddenly self-conscious.

"I'm sorry, I just can't get over the fact that you actually bought that shirt." Evan was referring to the shirt Jared had purchased from the gift shop of the tourist trap they'd stopped at.

Jared laughed. "It's charming."

"It's tacky," Evan retorted.

"That's ridiculous."

"It literally says 'you know what they say about bigfoot' on it. I can't think of a tackier way to talk about cryptids." Jared chuckled at Evan's indignation. He was right, of course, but Jared couldn't let him know that.

"It's ironic."

"I'll say," Evan murmured. Jared's mouth gaped open at the retort.

"Evan Hansen, just what are you insinuating?"

"Nothing, nothing!" Evan protested, trying hard to hide a smile. Jared couldn't help but smile in return. This was possibly the only part of their relationship Jared missed. The humor and giggling, the lighthearted atmosphere, the fun. The times when they forgot the "family" part and just acted like friends.

Like when they were writing the emails. Jared nearly shivered at the realization. Suddenly, he realized the memories were tainted with an intangible tension. Because of the emails. Because of the Connor Project. Everything led back to Connor.

"Hey, this is a pretty good song," Evan said, interrupting his thoughts. "The light ukulele and the vocals."

"Yeah, um," Jared cleared his throat as he turned onto the exit ramp. "It's, uh, Dodie. Dodie Clark."

Evan nodded pensively. "Yeah, I think… I think I know her."

"She's popular on youtube and stuff."

"No, I mean, like… I think I've met and talked to her in some capacity."

"Wait, what? How?"

Evan grimaced. "Being the second face of the Connor Project provided me with many, many opportunities. Particularly involving online celebrities." Jared nodded. He'd forgotten that Evan had been rather forcibly pushed out of his comfort zone when his speech went viral. In fact, he'd never even taken time to realize that. He'd always just kinda assumed the speech was the best thing that ever happened to Evan. He'd never thought about Evan actually having to interact with people, what that meant for his anxiety. Maybe it hadn't been as great as Jared had thought it was from the outside looking in.

Jared pulled into the motel parking lot, remaining silent as the song played out. As the last notes of the song faded out, he turned off the car, and looked to find Evan staring at him again. He felt the blood rush to his cheeks.

"I wanted to listen to the end of the song," he explained.

"No, I didn't—I wanted to hear the end too."

"Oh." Jared wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. "Okay." He unbuckled his seatbelt and quickly stepped out of the car, rushing to grab his suitcase from the back and escape the awkward tension in the front seat. Evan followed suit, and together they walked up to the front desk.

"Hi, we need a room with two singles," Jared said in a pleasant voice to the woman behind the counter. After some checking on the computer, she turned back to him.

"I'm sorry, it appears the only vacancies right now are rooms with a double."

" _A_ double? Like, a singular double bed?"

"It would appear so," the woman replied. Jared turned to Evan, unsure how to proceed.

Evan shrugged. "It's fine, we'll figure it out. We need rest."

Jared turned back to the woman and sighed. "Alright, I guess we'll take a double room." Jared sorted out the details and paid for the room. As Evan headed towards the room, he turned back to the woman. "If anything becomes available, please let me know."

"Of course, sir." Jared turned and hurried to keep up with Evan. Evan didn't appear to notice Jared catch up as he unlocked the door. As expected, when the two entered there was only one bed in the room. The two looked at each other, uncertain how to proceed.

"So, uh… what do we…?" Evan started, unsure how to even ask. But Jared was stumped, too.

"Why don't we worry about that later. Right now, I'm starving. And I think I saw a diner of some sort not too far from here. Wanna get some dinner?"

Evan nodded. "Yeah, dinner sounds good."

* * *

Jared and Evan were sitting in the diner. They had just ordered and were making semi-non-awkward small talk in between looking at their phones. It was somewhat odd yet comfortable. Suddenly Evan went silent and he looked down in confusion.

"What's wrong?" Jared asked, not looking up from his phone. "Did our president tweet something idiotic?"

"No, um… I think Damien just tried to friend me on facebook?"

Jared looked up. "What?" Evan turned his phone to show Jared. Sure enough, Jared saw a profile picture of his roommate in Evan's friend request list. He furrowed his eyebrows. "Will you excuse me a second?" He walked away from the table and out the front door of the diner, angrily tapping his phone. He held his phone up to his ear, waiting in the brisk winter night air as the line rang. Suddenly the beeping stopped.

"Yello?" Damien's voice rang clear.

"What the fuck?"

"So good to hear your voice, Jared," the voice replied nonchalantly. "What seems to be the matter?"

"You tried to friend Evan on facebook. I'm not even sure your friends with _me_ on facebook. So I say again: What the fuck?"

"Alright, look, I wanted to talk to you, but I knew you were just gonna ignore me if I called."

"So you decided to try to friend Evan as a ploy to get me to call?"

"I mean, it sounds stupid when you say it out loud, but, uh… it worked."

Jared sighed. "What the fuck do you want?"

"To know you're okay, that you haven't crashed the car."

"Haven't crashed the car. We're both fucking peachy, thank you."

"Did you talk?"

"Frankly, that’s none of your fucking business."

"Jesus Christ, dude, what's got you so set on edge today?"

"Nothing, except for you acting like a complete douche!"

Jared heard a sigh on the other end. "See, I told you this was a bad idea, I _told_ you it was gonna be just like—"

"Evan is not Ari, the two are nothing alike!"

"I think they're closer in personality than you want to admit."

"No they fucking aren't."

"See, they both reeled you in with this harmless persona, and they learned more about you until they had enough information to destroy you, and then they emotionally ruined you."

"That's not what happened."

"And Evan's doing it all over again."

"No, he's not, it's not—"

"You're gonna become so invested in him and then he's gonna drop you, and I'm not going to be there this time."

This statement pissed Jared off more than anything else. "What the fuck are you talking about? You weren't there for me when Ari dumped me! We're not friends, Damien, I never even fucking see you, why are you becoming so obsessed with me and my relationship with Evan?"

"Because I can't lose another person in my life, Jared!" Damien shouted through the phone. "Okay?" Jared went silent.

"What are you talking about?"

"God, Jared, you just—you don't remember anything from that week, do you?" Jared remained silent, confused. "Ari told me you broke up and I fucking walked out in the middle of class and ran home to make sure you were okay. And you weren't. You were crying, you yelled at me to leave, and when I didn't you broke down and began mumbling about the point of living, and… fuck, I got scared, Jared. I ditched all my evening classes that week and stayed up every night until you woke up the next morning. I took you back to your bed the night you got so drunk you blacked out." Jared heard a new edge to Damien's voice, something resembling fear. It almost sounded like he was on the edge of tears. "I was so fucking scared you were gonna do something stupid. And yeah, we weren't great friends or anything, but I liked having you around. I couldn't bear the thought of not having you as my roommate. That's why I cut all ties with Ari, because it made me sick to know he made you feel this way. And you know, you started dealing with it and my schedule went back to normal so it was fucking… whatever, you know, like a fluke, so we didn't talk about it, and we never really saw each other throughout the semester. But, when you were leaving, I realized I still wanted to be your friend, but I wanted it to be under better circumstances. And then Evan came along and just…" Damien trailed off, but Jared had a pretty clear idea where he was going. Jared sat on the curb outside the diner.

"Damien… I'm sorry. But I mean, I never would've… you know, with my background in the Connor Project and stuff. I never would've."

"I didn't know about your background in the Connor Project. I didn't know anything about you then."

"…What did you mean when you said you can't lose another person? Have you… have you lost someone before?"

There was a long silence before Damien replied. "Several of my friends. It's… it's a story for another time."

"Damien… Evan's not gonna make me feel that way."

"How do you know?"

"Because I've done worse to him, and I survived everything he did to me. I'm not gonna feel that way about him." Jared looked around, realizing that snow had begun to fall. "But I think you were right to worry."

"What-what do you mean?"

"Having Evan around again… It's made me realize how much I like having him in my life. He makes me a better person, I think. And I want him to be involved in my life." Jared sighed, looking back down. "I like Evan. A lot. But… I don't know if we can ever be friends, after everything that's happened to us. I can't ever go back to the way it was before, and as dumb as it makes me sound… I'm not sure I know how else we can be friends."

"Jared, if he's meant to stay in your life, you'll figure something out." Jared looked up and saw Evan standing there, staring at him.

"Damien, I'm gonna have to get back to you later."

"Oh. Okay. Please do. Goodb—" Jared hung up the phone.

"So, uh… did you hear any of that?" Jared asked, fearing the worst.

But Evan just shook his head. "Uh, no. I just came out to tell you the food came." Evan looked around at the flurries of snow. "We should probably eat and head back to the motel."

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, okay." Jared stood up, quickly brushing himself off. "Yeah, let's… let's eat." The two stood outside for a few seconds, staring at each other in silence.

"So, uh, what was the deal with Damien trying to friend me?"

Jared shrugged. "It was a ploy to get me to talk to him."

"…and?"

"It worked."

* * *

Jared and Evan were nearly back to the motel when Jared felt the watchful gaze on him again. He turned to Evan.

"You keep staring at me. What is it? Do I have something in my hair? On my teeth? Am I just that ugly?"

Evan chuckled. "No, it's just… I dunno. I wanted to thank you for letting me tag along." Jared stopped, surprised. "I was kind of dreading this trip from the moment we talked. I didn't want to piss you off, but I wanted to hurt my dad more so I just went along with it. And then… I dunno, somewhere along the way we had fun. I think. Well, I mean, I had fun. And um. I wanted to thank you for that. Yep. Uh. So. Thanks."

Jared was oddly touched by the sentiment. And under normal circumstances, he never would've let that show. But these circumstances were hardly normal.

"Well, you're welcome, I guess. Really, this trip has gone better than I expected it to, too. You've actually been… good company. And I've had fun, too." Evan looked away as Jared said this, probably hiding a shy smile. Jared would almost swear he was blushing, if he didn't know any better.

Evan cleared his throat as they approached the room. "So, uh, I've been thinking, and you should take the bed since you're basically the one who's taking me back home and who's been paying for motels and stuff, and—"

"Evan, this is ridiculous. Let's just share the bed. We're two grown-ass adults, we can handle one night of sharing a bed." Jared held his breath, shocked he'd just said that out loud. Surely, Evan was going to object. Right?

"Oh. Um. Yeah, sure. That sounds good." Jared smiled a tiny bit as Evan said this. He unlocked the door to the room and the two walked in, setting their stuff down. While Evan unpacked, Jared went to the restroom to do his business and begin his nightly routine. As he brushed his teeth, he heard the door jiggle.

"Good news," Evan said from the other side, "this door actually seems to lock."

Jared spit out his toothpaste. "That is good news." He washed his mouth out with water. "Here, I'm just about done, you can use it." He unlocked the door and saw relief wash over Evan's face as Evan pushed past him and he walked out. As Evan occupied the restroom, Jared changed into his night clothes—at this point in the trip, just a slightly large and comfortably shirt and boxers—and got in the bed. It was late, and he was eager to sleep and get on the road tomorrow. He occupied the side of the bed closest to the door, which he supposed from his perspective in the bed was the right side of it, and scrolled through his phone. When he heard Evan leave the bathroom a few minutes later, he looked up to find Evan staring at him.

He'd never really bothered to notice, but Evan's sleepwear looked quite comfortable. It consisted of a pair of blue pajama pants that looked fuzzy and a soft-looking green shirt with a design of two leaves next to each other, eyes closed and a content smile with the phrase 'don't leave me' printed across the bottom of the shirt. Jared almost had to admit, it looked kind of adorable on Evan.

"Ok, so I figure I'll take this side and you can take the left side—right side—whatever, the other side. We can put a pillow down the middle if you feel the need but I feel pretty confident we'll be civil."

"O-okay," Evan stammered.

"Um. I think I'm turning in early tonight. It feels really late, what with the time change. Um, you can stay up as late as you want just keep the light and the noise down."

"No, uh, I'm really tired tonight, too, let's just, uh, turn off the lights and sleep." Evan awkwardly shambled over to the bed and got in the other side. The two checked their phones for a few minutes before turning off the lights. Jared enjoyed his side of the bed, but quickly recognized he had way too much space. He shifted over a few inches to let Evan take some more room, but all it apparently did was widen the chasm between them. Jared remained in his position, confident Evan would feel cold enough to take some more room. He waited for a minute. Then two. Then five. Then ten.

At the seventeen-minute mark, he hit his limit.

"Evan, you have half of the bed, why not use it."

"Oh, no, I'm just comfortable right here."

"You're practically falling off the bed and you're shivering so hard you're shaking the blanket. Please use the space."

"But…  but I don't wanna brush against you, or-or make you uncomfortable."

Jared rolled his eyes. "Well you know what, let's avoid the awkwardness of random brushing by spooning, how does that sound?"

"No, Jared—!"

"Evan, I'm not arguing with you. It's freezing in here, and we both need to warm up to sleep. Just get over here." Jared turned on his side and held his breath. Had he really just suggested that? There was no way Evan was gonna go along with that.

But soon enough, he felt Evan's body lightly pressed against his own. Cautiously, Evan's arm wrapped around Jared's stomach, and Jared suddenly felt content. He smiled and breathed out.

"There, now isn't that better?"

"Y-yeah…" The two remained this way for several minutes, slowly drifting out of consciousness. Jared was on the brink of sleep when suddenly, Evan began to pull away. It caused Jared to stir slightly, confused. Evan hadn't let go yet, so why was he pulling back? Suddenly, an awkward brush against Jared made him realize the reason.

"Dude, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's totally fine if you have a boner." Evan made some noise, as if to protest, but Jared cut him off. "Look, I imagine it's been some time since you've been any kind of intimate with somebody. Your body is just… reacting. I know it doesn't mean anything. And believe it or not… I'm fine with it. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. I get it. Just… don't make a big deal out of it."

Jared was positive Evan was completely red in the face right now. The only reason that saying all of that hadn't made his face red was because he was dead tired and just wanted to sleep. Slowly, he felt Evan's body return closer to his own, boner and all.

At first Jared was fine, and drifting to sleep again. But as Evan's… length… pressed into him, he thought about it. And what Evan had done last night. Despite his best efforts, the same vision of Evan popped into his head. And suddenly, _his_ body began… reacting. He tried to ignore it and just sleep. But the more he tried to ignore it, the more the image popped into his head, and the more clear it was that the pressing concern behind him was just exacerbating the throbbing concern in front of him. He had to get rid of it. Discreetly. Quietly, Jared got out of bed, careful to angle himself away from Evan as he walked to the bathroom.

"Jared?" Evan said, as if about to ask or suggest something. Jared stopped, back to Evan as he faced the restroom. He waited for Evan to continue, but he never did. "Uh… never mind."

"Oh my god Evan, What?" He turned around, forgetting to hide the tent in his boxers. "Just tell me what you were going to say!"

"I was going to say," Evan replied, somewhat frustrated, "that if you were going to the restroom to take care of…" Evan hesitated then awkwardly pointed at Jared's groin, " _that_ , and I still need to take care of mine, we could both just do it in the bed, but then I realized how stupid that sounded."

Jared stared at Evan. He had some semblance of a point. They both had to do the same thing to get rid of it. After all, he'd told Evan not to make a big deal out of it, and then by trying to sneak off to the restroom he'd inadvertently made a big deal out of his own. They both knew about the… _equipment_ they were dealing with, and Evan had seen his equipment this morning. And frankly he'd rather do this in the warm, cozy bed than in the cold, harsh bathroom.

"Okay," he replied.

"Really?" Evan said, surprised. Neither had expected this. "Okay." They stared at each other for a few seconds. "I guess we should, um…" Evan didn't finish his sentence, but shortly after not finishing it, he took off his shirt and fiddled around with his pants beneath the covers. Jared watched, transfixed, as the pajama pants and underwear appeared from beneath the covers and found their way to the floor. Evan was naked beneath those blankets. And Jared didn't know how to process that.

"Yeah, um, good call." Still standing in front of the bed, Jared slowly took off his shirt, tossing it towards his side of the bed. He silently took a deep breath before shucking off his boxers. Evan stared at Jared, trying very hard to not look down.

"Um… we should get rid of these," Evan said, indicating the bedspread. "Freedom of motion." With that, Evan tossed the covers over the foot of the bed, revealing his pale body, oddly close to how Jared had pictured it.

Jared awkwardly nodded. "Yeah, good idea." The two stared at each other, desperately avoiding looking at the other's—

Suddenly, Jared remembered what he was supposed to be doing and walked back to his side of the bed, lying down quickly and avoiding eye contact with Evan. The two stared at the ceiling, not daring to look at each other.

"Okay," Jared whispered.

"Right," Evan whispered back. The two waited for a while in silence before Evan said what they were both thinking.

"So… how do we start this?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished this chapter. Take a drink every time I use the most awkward innuendo/double entendre. In my defense I rated this fic M for a reason. But don't worry, this is about as explicit as it will get, there won't be detailed descriptions of any sexual acts or anything (if that's all you're here for my apologies, but I'm sure there are other fics and authors you can go to for that kind of thing). Also want to clarify (in case it was unclear for some reason) that both Evan and Jared are several years older in this fic than they are in the play (i.e. adults who are older than 18 by at least a year or two).
> 
> Ok, with all of that out of the way, thank you guys so much for sticking with this fic. We're almost to the end of the fic now, just a few chapters left ~~but I might also be planning a few oneshots in the same universe so who knows~~ and hopefully the last two/three chapters will come out quicker than the past few. Most of the rest of the fic is about answering questions presented earlier in the fic and is mostly conveyed through dialogue (the one part of writing I'm good at lol). I really do love all of your comments and kudos, it really does mean a lot, even if i forget to reply or update slowly, just know it's largely because of the support you guys give me that I continue writing this. Thank you so much, and hopefully next few chapters will be out soon.


	8. The Third Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Open discussion and implication of suicide, lots of really, really cringeworthy innuendos and discussion of sexual acts and aspects, scattered pacing.

Jared was lying down on his side of the bed, leaning away from Evan and staring at the corner of the ceiling. Neither one had gotten dressed yet, they'd just barely cleaned up, and neither had said a word in some time.

_What… like… what the actual fuck?_

Jared had a pretty strong feeling that this same thought was running through Evan's thought. Every few minutes it seemed like one of them would make a noise, as if to say something, but the words never quite found their way out. Finally Evan was able to form a cohesive thought. Or at least a partial one.

"So… what just—?"

"I don't—I'm not sure," Jared interrupted.

"Okay. But, uh," Evan coughed, "why did you, um… you know."

"I'm… I'm not sure."

"Jared…"

"God, I don't know, it's just…" Jared turned his head, now looking at the ceiling directly above him. It was the closest he could bear to looking at Evan at this point. "You were just doing things so… mechanically. It was just such a strict, rhythmic up and down, up and down, it was just so mechanical. There was no pleasure in it. Like, you know it's called jerking off, right? Not sperm extraction."

Evan chuckled slightly at this. "Well, you'll have to forgive me for assuming that that was, like, the whole point of what we were doing. Getting rid of our… unfortunate erections. Not really for pleasure." Evan had a point. That was how the whole thing had started. But it had become… neither of them were really sure.

"I mean… I guess…But like, pleasure is also kinda the whole point and maximizing pleasure makes it… go by quicker. And I know you know how to do that."

"Okay, but you haven't really answered my question.”

"Well like I said, I was… off-put by the rigid way you were doing things… I dunno, I felt like I had to do something. Had to reach over and…" Jared exhaled, leaving the two in silence for a bit. "So, I guess the natural question is why did you—"

"I have no freakin' clue, honestly." Jared had to laugh at Evan's surprisingly innocent and earnest answer. "Like, suddenly you were helping me and it was weird since I didn't know what to do with my hand so I just… latched onto the closest thing and reciprocated. I guess. Should I not have…?"

"No!" Jared quickly interrupted. "It was nice. Um, should I not have—?"

"No, no, no, it was, um… it was…" Evan gave kind of a breathy laugh. "It was really good, it felt… really, really good, I mean, I didn't know…" Evan's thought hung in the air, incomplete. Jared wasn't quite sure how to respond.

"I mean, I have some experience."

Jared felt Evan side-eye him in his periphery. "Yeah, I figured."

"No, no, I mean…" Jared figured it was about time he told the truth. He gulped and took a deep breath. "I did this kind of thing with Ari."

"Ari?"

"Yeah. Um. Ari isn't just a classmate. Ari is… Ari is my ex." Jared sighed. "Ari is my ex- _boy_ friend."

"Oh." Evan said, processing. " _Oh_. I'm sorry, I didn't…"

Jared shrugged. "It's fine."

"I mean, I assumed… I knew there was more going on but I didn't press and…" Evan exhaled. "When did you guys break up?"

"A few months ago. It was my first serious relationship. My first serious breakup. I'm still a little messed up from it." Jared thought about it for a second. "It was… it was right before Halloween. Which sucked, because usually I love Halloween. I just remembered… I think Damien tried to invite me to a costume party to cheer me up. And I completely ignored him. God, I've been such an ass to him…" Jared shook his head. "Sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you all of this."

"Hey, it's cool. I mean, if you need to work through it or you wanna talk about it—"

"I don't want to talk about it is the thing. I've been spending the past two months trying to forget about him." Jared sighed. "The funny thing is I thought I was succeeding with this road trip. Like, I'll go hours at a time without thinking of him, which is amazing, but then I see something, or Damien says something, or apparently I dream something and he's back and…" Jared sighed and shook his head again.

"I'm… I'm really sorry about all of this Jared. I didn't mean to bring him up. I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't bring him up, I did. I thought I was over him. I mean, I am over him, or at least I’m trying to be, but he won’t leave my head. I just… wish I could stop thinking of him. Wish I could just… change the subject." Evan lay beside him, quietly.

"What did you mean when you said I knew how to 'maximize pleasure' as you put it?" Jared turned to look at Evan for the first time since they had finished. In the awkward conversation, Jared had almost forgotten they were still nude. He almost darted his eyes away again.

"What the hell are you talking about? Where did this come from?"

Evan shrugged. "You wanted to change the subject. What were you insinuating there?"

Jared looked away again. "Well, I mean… you're an adult male. Who's been in a relationship before. Who presumably has a libido. Who presumably isn't a virgin anymore. Presumably not asexual."

Evan chuckled, somewhat uncomfortable but somewhat amused. "Yeah, not asexual, much to everyone's shock." Jared almost had to laugh at this. Then he sighed, not sure why he was about to admit what he was about to admit.

"I heard you last night."

"Oh." Jared wondered how Evan's simple sound contained more emotion than he'd ever felt in his entire life. He kept talking, unable to stop.

"I mean—I wasn't trying to, like I didn't mean… I just couldn't sleep and suddenly I heard something happening in your bed and then I realized what it was and I tried to block it out but I also didn't want you to know I was listening in and—" Jared finally managed to shut himself up, but still felt his cheeks flushing profusely. He was grateful for the fact that they could barely see in the dark.

"…Is that when you… is that why you went to bathroom?" Evan asked. "Wait, no, not like that I mean, like, well, I mean, y-you know, you sounded sick and were coughing and I-I-I checked on you and—" 

"I remember, Evan. And no, not really. My brain was just, like, working too fast, y'know? And I… I checked Instagram and Ari posted something and I just… I couldn't deal with it. And I thought I was gonna be sick. But then I wasn't. And I don't know why I wasn't." Evan made a quiet sound, affirming what Jared had just said. They could've remained like that. But the silence had begun to creep in and it was deafening. "You were thinking about Zoe. Last night, I mean. Right? I mean, maybe tonight too, I," Jared regretted saying it, not looking at Evan. "Shit. I shouldn't have… forget I even—"

"No, it's, uh. It's fine. Um. Uh, well, I-I… yeah. Yeah. I was. Well… kinda. Sorta. Not entire… well, yes, but not… not like on purpose.” Evan took a breath. “I mean… she crossed my mind and I immediately felt weird and had to stop.”

“Wait, what? You stopped? Why?”

“I don’t… I don’t know. Because I’m supposed to be over her? I guess? Because it’s been two years and I’m moving on? I don’t…”

“Evan, you’re allowed to… to think about that kinda thing, to fantasize about it, to… get off to it. I mean you two did date, you knew each other, and it was a pretty big thing. It was an important relationship that ended, like, really suddenly. You’re allowed to look back on that. I mean, why wouldn’t you?”

“Because our whole relationship was built on a massive lie.” Evan looked away, unsure what to say. “It was… it was so, so messed up. I mean, like, you're right. About… the other thing. Zoe and I did… And that was a big deal for both of. It was her first time and mine and..." Evan gulped, and shook his head. "The whole thing's just… fucked up in hindsight. But I mean… you remember. She was the only one for me. For a long time, there. And just… god, she just… she deserved so much better than me."

Jared sighed. "I dunno, Evan. I've been down the whole 'they deserve better than me' road, and honestly—"

"I lied to her, Jared. Whatever happened with you and Ari… I'm sorry, but it doesn't compare to what I did."

Jared closed his eyes. "No, no, of course. I just…" Jared trailed off, unsure how to finish that sentence. "Have you seen Zoe since…?"

"Once. Have you?"

"No. God I haven't… I haven't seen anybody from high school. I just cut off that part of my life."

"I getcha. I, um… I think I saw Sabrina? Sabrina Patel? I saw her like once at Pottery Barn, and you know, she was bubbly as always and way too happy, saying we needed to meet soon and catch up but of course… you know, of course she didn't actually follow through on that. You know, I mean, why would she?"

"Wait, wait… how did you run into her at Pottery Barn?"

"Oh, um, I, uh… I worked there for a while, just after high school? You know, saving up for college. Anyway, um, I also ran into Matt Holzer? If you remember him at all."

"Oh yeah. He was a douche."

Evan snorted. "Well, you know, he was all like 'dude' and 'bro' and I was just uncomfortable the whole time."

"Yeah," Jared said, only partly paying attention. A thought had come into his head. And for some reason he knew Evan would probably be the only person he could talk to about it. "Did you hear about what happened to Alana?"

He could feel Evan nodding solemnly next to him. "Yeah. I did."

"It was one of the things making me sick last night. Besides Ari, I mean." Jared gave a small sigh. "It's just so shitty. How does that even happen to someone like Alana?"

Jared felt Evan shrug next to him. "She said she didn't read all the warnings on her medication. God, it's just… it's awful, how some stupid accident could land her in the hospital."

Jared exhaled. "Yeah, I'm not sure… I don't know that it was really…" Jared was unable to complete the thought.

"Jared, what are you saying? What are you thinking?"

Jared got quiet. "I'm thinking that Alana Beck is too smart to not read and memorize warnings for her medication."

"What do you mean?" Jared didn't respond, too ashamed. "Are you suggesting what I think you are?" Jared shut his eyes, not looking at Evan. "No, there's no way she would do that, after everything that happened in high school, after everything she did with the Project… uh-uh, there's no way."

Jared wasn't sure if it was the exhaustion, the fact that he was keeping his eyes shut tightly, or the conversation, but he felt his eyes began to water. "I hope you're right. You know? I hope so much that things have changed since we knew Alana in high school, I hope I'm so, so, completely wrong, but… I dunno, I've thought about it a lot and it's what makes sense."

Evan covered his face with his hand. "God, I feel so shitty about this."

Jared frowned. "What do you mean?"

"We're talking about Alana and her… her hospitalization to avoid talking about what just happened." Jared wanted to say something, wanted to interject. "Just admit it Jared, that's what's happening. We're trying not to make each other uncomfortable. And I know we should talk about this, but… I genuinely don't know how."

Jared knew he was right. They had shifted to a different subject the second they could, and now they were just ricocheting from topic to topic with wild abandon, just so long as they didn't talk about the one thing they should be talking about.

And as much as it pained Jared to realize, he didn't know how to talk about it either.

"Well, I mean… we don't have to." Jared sighed as Evan looked over. "Look, we have maybe six hours max in the car tomorrow. We don't talk about it tonight and just sleep, we don't talk about it tomorrow and we just drive… we just don't talk about it. Then I drop you off at home and…" Jared knew what he had to say. "Well we…" but it was so painful suggesting this again, "we never have to see each other again."

Evan got quiet. The tension in the room became incredibly palpable. "Is that what you want?" Evan whispered.

"I don't—I dunno. I don't know. I don't… fucking know how to talk about this, I don't fucking know how to be Ari's boyfriend, I don't know how to be Damien's friend, I don't know how to feel about you after all these years I'm just…" Jared took a deep breath in. "I'm tired, Evan. I don't know how I feel and… and I don't know how to talk about this. Even though I've done stuff before, I've never done… I don't know, it's like, I've done this before, but I've never done this before which… makes no fucking sense now that I say it out loud."

"Well, I've never done this either. In any sense. So… I definitely don't know how to talk about it. And I mean, we don't have to. We can go to sleep right now, if you want. I just… thought we should talk in case there was anything we needed to say. Anything we needed to get out there. So… not for nothing, that's the best I've felt in… a long time. I mean," Evan leaned in slightly to whisper, "well, you know. Um. That way." He turned to look at the ceiling once more. "I just… I really needed that. So. Thanks, is what I'm saying. I guess." Evan looked over. "Did, um… did you get anything out of it?"

Jared stared at the ceiling, unsure how to proceed. "I needed to know that Ari didn't ruin sex for me."

"…and?"

"Well, I know now that he didn't ruin foreplay for me, so that's good." Jared almost burst into laughter as Evan got oddly quiet beside him. "Relax. I'm not gonna ask you to fuck me, Evan. Or vice versa. I just needed to know that Ari wasn't the end all be all of that experience. And he's not. Even in the confusion of… whatever the fuck that was, it was… nice. Yeah, let’s go with that. Nice.”

Evan nodded. “So, um… where do we go from here? Like what do we…” Evan exhaled, trying to find the words. “What do we do now, I guess?”

“I’m… I’m not sure how to answer that.” Their relationship had been so complex in the past and now… well, it was still complex. But now in a completely different way. “I’m not even sure what you mean by that.”

“You know, frankly, I’m not even sure what I mean.” Jared tried hard not to laugh at that. Evan, so openly honest. “I mean, you just said you didn’t want to talk about what just happened. We’ve already hashed out the past, mostly. So I… I don’t…”

“Yeah, I was never too good at pillow talk either. But since this wasn’t really sex I think that means we’re off the hook for standard procedure?”

Evan smiled a little. “Yeah, I guess.”

“I dunno, is there anything you wanted to say or ask about?”

Evan thought about it for a bit, turning back to Jared suddenly. “Actually, yes. Your sudden interest in dissociation this morning, what was that all about?”

Jared wasn’t quite sure how to answer this. “So, uh, remember the first night? I had a nightmare?”

“Yeah, I woke you up.”

“Right. Well, that happens, sometimes. And usually I can just shrug it off, listen to some music, you know, distract myself. But, uh, sometimes I’m just too stressed and that won’t work. So sometimes I get up, move around, maybe get some food, and stare out the window while listening to music. And sometimes at some point I just space out and don’t even realize how much time has passed. And sometimes Damien finds me like this and has to tell me to sleep. So I shrugged it off as sleepwalking or something for a time, but then I realized sometimes that happens in the middle of the day when I’m not tired but like really stressed. And I realized I didn’t have a name for it until you gave me one yesterday.”

Evan furrowed his brow. “You’ve had dissociative episodes?”

“I… think so? I’m not really sure.” Jared sighed. “I dunno, how do you deal with that kind of thing?”

Evan shrugged. “Well. Therapy’s really been a lot of help. That and taking things one day at a time.”

Jared nodded. “You know, it’s funny, we’ve been traveling for three days now and I’ve seen how you’ve changed, like, from high school. But I don’t know if I’ve actually asked you how you’re doing. So… how are you doing? In life?”

Evan contemplated how to answer this. “Better, I hope. Better than high school most days.”

“I don’t know if you notice it, but, uh, you’re a lot more confident than you were senior year. But like, in a good way. Not panicky shouty confident, but assured and in control.”

Evan shrugged. “I dunno. I try.”

“You just… are. Trust me.”

“Well, thanks, I guess. Each day is a new challenge but… I think one day I’ll understand enough that I can get by. And I haven’t felt really bad since high school.” Evan paused, debating in his head whether he should say something. “Jared, you were right. About my arm. I didn’t fall. I let go. I was lonely and I just wanted… wanted it to be over.” Jared frowned. He did his best to keep his eyes from watering. He hadn’t expected their talking would get quite this heavy, and now he just felt bad for everything. Especially for not noticing. He wasn’t sure if Evan noticed this or not, but he continued as if to reassure Jared. “But it didn’t work out like I planned and honestly thank fucking god it didn’t because… I don’t feel that way anymore. It was a… it was a cry for help and once I was honest with myself and others about it I actually got help. And I wanted to help others. Hence the Connor Project. Kind of.”

“But you also got unwanted attention from certain absent relatives?” Jared said in a poor attempt to lighten the mood. Evan looked at him, vexed. “Your dad’s wife chatted with me about some suicide thing that happened in senior year that I was assured wasn’t the Connor Project.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “You know, way too much time in therapy has been spent working out my stupid ‘daddy issues’ because that man wasn’t ready to be my father." Jared had to giggle a little bit at Evan Hansen using the phrase 'daddy issues,' even ironically. He sure Evan was aware of how silly it sounded too, and was pretty sure that's why he'd used the phrase in the first place. "And then he finds out about the fall and suddenly it’s weekly phone calls that I refuse to answer and invites over the holidays. It’s just… ironic. I missed him for most of my life, and I finally realize I don’t need him and… and he’s trying to force his way back in.”

Jared nodded. “Maybe he just heard about Larry Murphy and got afraid of the competition.” Jared hoped what he said came off as a joke and not a tone deaf rehashing of Evan’s mistakes.

Evan chuckled, assuaging Jared a bit. “Yeah, maybe. My mom finally caved and said I should try visiting for Christmas, get to know that side of my family.” Evan shook his head. “Worst decision I’ve made. I don’t know what good I thought would come of that.”

Jared felt his heart drop into his stomach as Evan said that. He knew Evan didn’t mean anything by it. But the ill advised trip had allowed the two to meet again, and fuck, he hadn’t really wanted to believe it the first day but now it really did feel like fate. And Evan was right to be frustrated by his father’s actions, but the emotional part of Jared only recognized Evan acknowledging the trip and everything that came from it, as a mistake. Everything that had happened was a mistake, everything they’d been through, all of their conversations, how Jared felt about Evan—

Jared halted that train of thought in its tracks. He didn’t want to think about that right now.

“Yeah,” jared said with a half-hearted chuckle. “What good could come from that?”

Evan’s eyes widened. “No wait, Jared, I didn’t mean—”

“Evan, it’s fine.” Jared yawned. “You know, I think I’m just gonna turn in. We have some distance to cover tomorrow and I still need sleep.” The two stared at each other for a second. “Is that… okay?” Jared asked, unsure why he was afraid he’d offended Evan.

“No, no, of course. Yeah. I probably should too.” Evan nodded. Jared stayed looking at Evan, as though tearing his gaze from him would take all his willpower.

“Okay. Um. Good night, I guess.” Jared rolled over, away from Evan, and closed his eyes.

"Uh… are you, um, gonna get dressed?"

_Shit_. "Oh yeah, um, I should prob'ly do that." Jared moved to sit up.

"No, I mean, you don't have to, I was just, uh, I was just wondering."

"Oh." Jared didn't know what to say to that. He slowly moved back down to the bed, lying down once more. He was tired, and he didn't want to exert anymore energy. That's what he was telling himself. But he also didn't feel Evan moving next to him, making any attempts to change.

"Jared is it alright… is it alright if we spoon again?"

Jared rolled over to face Evan, unable to believe the question. "You mean while we're both still buck naked?"

Jared couldn't really see Evan in the dark, but he had to guess he was blushing pretty hard at that moment. "You're right, that was a stupid question—"

"I'm jetpacking this time."

"Oh. Okay." Evan rolled over, and Jared closed the small gap between them. He put his arm around Evan, and suddenly… what happened and what was happening to him was real. And what he was feeling was real. His body pressed against Evan's, that was real too. And what was happening to him, again, was all too real, and he knew Evan felt it.

"Uh, Jared?"

Jared felt himself blushing, but he kept his eyes closed. "I'll move away if you want, or we can switch, but I'm not going to apologize for my body reacting, especially with what just happened—"

"I wasn't gonna, I was just, um… I guess I just wanted to make sure you were aware… it's fine, I shouldn’t have brought it up. You don’t… you don't have to move."

Jared blinked in surprise. "Okay. Good. Because I wasn't planning on it. You're just gonna have to deal with it."

"I think I can manage that," Evan replied. Though Jared would never admit it, the cheeky reply made him smile, just a bit. Before too long, they had both fallen asleep. And it was the best night of sleep that either had gotten in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I've had this chapter mostly finished for months now but I wasn't super comfortable with the nsfw stuff and I thought it was too short and I didn't like how the discussion petered out in earlier drafts (pun only slightly intended) so I just wrote more and finally got an end that felt more intentionally abrupt and now I'm posting. Next chapter should be the last one, barring me deciding a lot happens on the final day and me splitting it up into two chapters like I did this one, and I'm not sure how long that's gonna be to write, but I've had certain aspects of this chapter worked out for a very long time, so it should hopefully be quicker than this one. 
> 
> If you've stuck with this fic for this long, I want to say thank you so much. I know the updates have only gotten more and more inconsistent with time and I appreciate you sticking around, because I do like this story. Like I said, next chapter should be the last one, but I like this story and the ideas I've built, so maybe after this fic is done I'll do a follow up. Let me know what you think. Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments and heartfelt kudos, if you wanna chat ever hit me up on tumblr, I just changed my username and I'm kennothythebard now. Thank you for reading. See you next chapter.


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